Reflection: Being Cordial

My wife and I were recently (like today) stuck in Santa Rosa, New Mexico on our way back to Arizona from Oklahoma. Due to inclement weather and adverse road conditions on the interstate, secondary and even tertiary roads, we decided to stick around this town and actually enjoy it. Versus jumping on the freeway just to sit, or getting on a state highway only to be faced with snowy and icy roads.

We encountered a lot of folks that lived in town, and the one thing that astounded me was that everyone, either directly or indirectly, was nice to us. I suppose I shouldn’t be as shocked about that as I am, but I can’t help it. I think it’s for a few different reasons…

(Cue my writing out the reasons in a convenient list, because well I share through writing, and I certainly don’t aim to leave you hanging.)

I live in a big town.

Phoenix is pretty damn huge. I can go most days never encountering the same people twice. I don’t walk into the QT everyday and talk to Marc behind the counter. He doesn’t ask how my morning’s been so far, I never ask about his kids, and I don’t dare bring up the fact that he spells his name wrong. I don’t see Sam buying his morning coffee everyday, nor Lena rushing in to grab a sandwich for lunch. The truth is based on traffic, I may stop at any number of convenience stores. As a result, instead of Marc, Sam and Lena, I may see Frank, Wendell and Hanna. Or I may not.

No Social Consequence.

This ties into the above as it relates to never having to see these people, Literally. Never. Again. If I decide to grab the last Hershey Gold bar before Sam can get to it (I would never do something like this by the way, but it serves its purpose for illustration), he may give me a dirty look, he may even cuss me, but both of those responses would be both justified and rare. Frank may be pissed, but he will likely go on about his day without calling out my selfish action. This means that I get what I want, while inconveniencing a total stranger. Therefore, I never have to see that person again, or deal with their presumed retaliation / response.

Time is a luxury.

Or it seems to be. The fact that I don’t stop and chat with Marc, isn’t personal- it can't be-because I do not know him in the slightest. Realistically speaking though, that early morning QT stop is just the latest in a long line of things to get done in the day. All these things have a timeline attached to them, which means Marc (despite having the potential to be my newest and greatest BFF) gets overlooked. Every hour of my day is already earmarked, and Marc didn’t get penciled into the schedule. This is sad, because I (and I don’t think I’m alone in this) only minimally see Marc as even being human most days. He’s just a button, one that gets pressed so that I get my morning energy drink.

Don’t Get Me Wrong.

Now for those of you that actively label yourself a “people person” you very well could be reading this and thinking, Wow this guy is an asshole! Admittedly, I can be, no denying that. In crowds I’m socially inept, in groups I can be socially off-putting, and one-on-one (save for those that I am closest with) I can be socially awkward. All that being said, don’t misunderstand what I’m saying. I am nice to my those hat fill the peripheral space off my life and do actively listen to what they say and even engage them in conversation.

What to do?

I don’t rightfully know at this point, not exactly anyway. However, I am a firm believer that everything happens to everyone for a reason. Yes including that, and yes that, and yes even that horrible thing, no we may not always know why. One day in a small town, that values personal relationships over time, at least has me questioning some of the day-to-day interactions I have with people, which I suppose is progress of some kind.

At the very least I think I’m going to try and remind myself to approach life as though there’s not a timer running above my head, whether self imposed, or otherwise.

So, like-minded anti-socialites, live like you were in a small town, do so in a manner that allows you to make connections, and don’t let time have its way with you.

A Little Less Snark and a Lot More Action

I’ve never been to an airport that wasn’t busy. Leaving CPH in order to fly back to the States recently was no exception.

My wife and I were flying out of the country via SAS and as we entered our terminal we could both see and hear the hum and hustle all around us. Determined travelers in a hurry to start or end their journey. Airport employees deftly waving in and out of the crowds. The high electronic  drone of endless announcements. All of these things and more cast upon a backdrop of gleaming tile, steel, glass, an a rainbow of instructional signage.

Full disclosure, I will admit that I hate waiting. I despise it. I have no patience for lines (note that patience and respect are two different things). I have no tolerance for crowds. No room for wasted time. This feeling becomes compounded when traveling as there is always that rush of “hurry up and wait” associated with nearly every aspect of air travel.

My wife and I scanned our passports, printed our baggage slips and proceeded to the agent-assisted bag check.
As you might imagine the line was long, but was moving efficiently- at first anyway. Once the line snaked towards the counter a clerk began separating the many travelers into different chutes that then fed into a standalone bag check station with an individual assigned agent.

Patiently, my wife and I negotiated the line and were directed towards a station.

Abruptly, and agent overseeing the station to our right powered down her machinery. A “Closed” indicator lit up on the screen above her as she walked away. There were 5 un-served people still in her line. Most of who looked around in disbelief and annoyance.

As another assisting agent began to get those folks reassigned to an open station, my wife and I finally approached our agent’s station. Bags at the ready, we handed over our travel documents.

The clerk, looking a bit flustered, glanced over the paperwork and then did something surprising; she handed it back. “I’m sorry I cannot check your bags,” she explained, “Anyone traveling to the U.S. has to be asked specific security questions, and I am not trained to do that.”

I looked at my wife, my eyes widened. As I looked around me still, I saw most of the 5 people that had lost their place in line still looking for assistance to no avail.

The word crawled out of my mouth before I could stop it. It was vile, it was elitist, and I felt guilty even as I heard myself say it, “Supervisor.” I looked up at the young agent.

“Pardon me sir?”

“Call me a supervisor,” I repeated slowly. My wife looked at me; also not believing that word came from my mouth. She tried to stop me, but I was already angry at the situation. “I am not waiting in this line all over again.”

My wife and I again scanned the immediate area for a place to go that didn’t mean starting at the back of the line. After a minute or two we spotted another clerk that was directing human traffic. “Hey she can’t help us, where do we need to go?”

He silently pointed us to another, longer, line.

It was at this moment the supervisor finally showed up. As we were walking towards the other line he called out to us, but my frustration had faded. It didn’t really matter to me anymore; I just wanted to be able to get on my way.

“Sir is there a problem?” he called out.

Turning to face him he was already launching into his prepared speech, “You see sir your president has deemed it necessary that we ask all U.S. travelers a direct set of security questions…”. The way the words “your president” dripped past his lips was venomous. It was clearly a subversive way to attempt an insult, or at least get a rise.

Source: NerdPeeps, Amazon

The rest of what he said was a white noise. I simply stared, waited for him to finish and said, “Yes your clerk already explained that. What I don’t understand is why we are standing in a section specifically reserved for people who are traveling to the U.S. to check their luggage and we get all the way to the front of the line, only to be told we can’t be helped. Who’s fault is that?”

The supervisor’s voice changed, it lowered, and the confidence of the canned diatribe faded. “It’s ours.” he admitted.

“Exactly.” I turned my attention away from him to indicate my desire to take the conversation further had waned. He strode away, hollering at another employee in the distance.

I’m sure some will see my response as overreacting, I would perhaps grant you that. I would also point out, however, if no one said anything there would’ve been many more upset customers who would’ve gone through the same experience.

This calls to mind some things I picked up when a great deal of my job was customer service-based. What is key for the supervisor (or anyone in customer service) to understand is as follows:

1.     Upset customers are typically not seeking an explanation for what led up to a problem.

This is usually the time where customer service personnel quote policy and procedure ad nauseam amounting to the ”Why” of the issue at hand. Our time has already been wasted, or we’ve already been inconvenienced, don’t add to that.

2.     When a customer points out a problem, that should be used as a place to start an examination to fix said problem (or in some cases evaluate whether or not a problem exists).

Is the raised issue a valid one? Could a process be done better, more efficiently etc?

3.     Customers don’t want excuses.

Customers want it fixed along with an acknowledgement or maybe even an apology. With the purchase of a service, the expectation is that part of the fee is there to guarantee a smooth process.

4.     Most importantly, customers don’t want your attitude.

We are not your enemy!

Source: TeeSpring

When it Matters Most

You don’t get to pick your finest hour. However, you do get to chose how you live in moment-to-moment.

            I don’t know who said that, oh wait yes I do it was me! Just now when I wrote that line that said; “You don’t get to pick your finest hour. However, you do get to chose how you live moment-to- moment.” Quote, credit due to me! Ha!

            Anyway, so the social worker in me would love to sit and tell you how you are better served to surround yourself with people that are conducive to your goals and can help you facilitate the positive change in your life that you want to see. In tandem with this effort you are tasked to drop those from your life that seek to deter, distract or are generally unhelpful in your goals.

            But of course, much like the phrase uttered in the Count of Monte Cristo (film) “It’s complicated.” Because what if those that do not hold your best interests at heart are close to you? A wise person (pretty wise at least) once told me “We could play the ‘what if’ game all day.” Meaning, if you are holding on to someone based on the 0.0007% chance they will do the right thing in regards to your welfare, well sir or madam you are sorely mistaken. Statistically you are a fool. Therefore, in real life you are going to be proven a fool.

            Saying you have to get rid of a family member, close friend or confidant can be an anxiety-inducing decision. All that being said, at the end of the day no one is going to watch out for you like you watch out for you.

            “But, but DavidIWriteStuff? Surely, this topic didn’t come to pass by accident?”  - a fan asks (I mean assuming my ‘fans” both exist and can form a decent question).

            No, no it did not. However, my goal is not to call out anyone, but to merely help others who’s bullshit meter may not be as highly refined as mine.

            Of course because I believe in the value of helping people I’ve included this handy chart outlining ways you can sniff out bullshit.

            

            And as far as all the bullshitters out there: If you truly care about someone, you not only care about being there, you make an active effort to care about what is important to them.  If someone can’t do that for you, they simply don’t care.

#hithole

                First off, I’d like to start this post with a disclaimer:

                I typically do not get much into politics, which you could argue runs against my ideals as a social worker. However, before you judge, hear me out. Contemporary politics are more about party and profiteering, less about people, and certainly not about progress. This has been the case for years.

                Thus, my position as an American citizen is that if you are waiting for a politician (Republican, Democrat, whatever) or government entity to help you, then you are going to be sorely disappointed.  In the same vein, the social worker in me says that the best positioned person to help you is, well you. The tools of resiliency and empowerment go a long way towards bettering yourself.

                Sincerely,

                David I WriteStuff

                We now return you to your not-so-regularly scheduled rant…

*             *             *

                There has been a great deal of media attention given to President Trump and his [alleged] use of vulgarity and racially charged comments. As such, I felt obliged to weigh in on the current kerfuffle involving these [alleged] comments regarding certain lesser-developed countries during a meeting about DACA. Particularly, the President is stated to have remarked that certain countries, Haiti among them, were nothing but “shithole” countries. He [allegedly] went on to even question the very notion of why we would even consider letting in immigrants from these countries to the United States.

                There are three points I’d like to address about this:

                1) I have no doubt that Trump uttered these words       

                To begin, I have no doubt that President Trump would refer to any number of lesser-developed nations by the term “shithole”. He has demonstrated that his character and vocabulary are oafish and limited. Further, I can only hypothesis that he is the latest in a long line of government officials- perhaps even presidents- that have uttered similar sentiments in service to this country. To take things even a step further, I would argue that the majority of the American public likely holds these countries in the same dim view.

                That doesn’t make remarks like this okay, nor does it give Trump a pass. That makes these thoughts a bias inherent to a majority of Americans. This also means through education, and oh gee, I don’t know maybe meeting someone from Haiti, these myths can be dispelled.

                2) Circle of Trust

                Building on what I’ve said above, I believe that most everyone has said something in the heat of the moment that was perhaps off-color or inappropriate. Usually, the smart ones among us do so in a circle of close friends, family, or business acquaintances that we trust.

                What I mean is usually, when these things slip out, we apologize, and/or those around us know our character well enough to know that one statement does not, nor could not define us.

                Unfortunately, for the President he made the mistake of spewing whatever comments he made in front of those with which he had no rapport (It was in fact, a bi-partisan DACA meeting). That coupled with the fact that Trump has already had a questionable history when it comes to shall we say, “less-than-acceptable” (or accurate) statements. These things together create an environment where several around him are poised to react defensively.

                This leads us to a point where you now have Democrats and Republicans who attended the meeting bickering over what was said versus not said. This is equally as shameful as uttering the words themselves.

                3) Deny, deny, deny

                What disappoints me the most is the fact that as President, Trump seems incapable of admitting fault. This marks only the latest scenario in which he denies what he said, and tries to rewrite history, in spite of other people clearly being present.

                I learned early on in my business career that if you make a mistake, own up to it. It is only then that you can begin to correct the mistake. Not to mention, these two things are essential in improving your integrity, and reputation.

                Some detractors may ask, “But David, how do you know he said these horrible things? And if he didn’t why should he fess up to something he didn’t even do?”

                Elementary my dear readers; Trump denies (or attempts to outmaneuver) anything that flies back into his face as overly controversial in order to save face. In fact, he has a heaping track record of doing so, well before he took office. In fact, if it weren’t for denials, backpedaling and distraction that Twitter account of his would be nearly dormant.

               

                To close, I feel that President Trump would be truly amazed at how fast this “news story” would go away if he would just admit any wrongdoing and actually attempt to do so some follow-up in the name of self-improvement.  However, I won’t be holding my breath while waiting for him to do so.

               

Trauma vs. Resiliency (Macro vs. Microaggressions, Pt 1 of 2)

Part I - Macro vs. Microaggressions

“I am a Social Worker. I am not a Social Justice Warrior.”

That statement may make some social workers squirm, and that is intended. The lot of us have become to distracted by lines of language to see the full environment. We can’t see the forest for the trees. Or in other words, we can’t pinpoint the aggression for the microaggression.

I believe that we have become too focused within our profession on the idea that microaggressions are overly responsible for the erosion of an individual’s self-esteem or sense of self-worth ( http://www.socialwork.career/2011/07/what-are-microaggressions.html ).

When this term was first introduced, it was used to describe interactions between people that purposefully (or otherwise) demeaned a “minority”, typically verbal exchanges. More recently, the term has taken on a more generic meaning and has been applied to everyday insults and superficial comments made from anyone in a majority group to outside of that group, about anything disparaging (https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/microaggressions-in-everyday-life/201011/microaggressions-more-just-race ).

These “everyday slights,” as they are often referred, are then stated to be the chisel that gradually chips away at our mental health, causing depression, anxiety and other issues.

As someone with a life-long disability I have endured many of these microaggressions. While my opinion of these is admittedly anecdotal, rather than empirical, my opinion still stands: they are overblown, overemphasized by psychologists, psychiatrists, and other medical professionals, and gobbled up by social workers as the bullets that penetrate the self-worth and determination of our disenfranchised populations. This medicalization and “clinicalization” of trauma tends to focus more on the potential damage done to a person, rather than their ability to overcome the trauma. Specifically, this approach to “science” is socially constructed based on societal values (http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15622970500483110?journalCode=iwbp20 ).

At any rate, personally, these glib comments have barely held me back a moment, let alone a lifetime. Truth be told, they’ve done nothing but strengthen me. They’ve been the fire that’s burned within me to prove people wrong, to rise above.

Meanwhile, there are millions of people in this world that deal with legitimate toxic trauma every day. Sexual assault, physical assault, drug abuse and addiction, any and all manner of victimization and many others...these are the areas where time and energy and healing need to be focused.

Damage

INTRO

                This blog entry came about after watching God Bless America  a couple weeks ago (which if you haven’t seen it, use the link to take a quick read and then watch it on Netflix- it’s brilliant!).  Beyond that some recent interactions I’ve had with some close friends that led me to thinking about my own (less than)

flawless past.

Moreover, it’s a quick glimpse at the negative behavior people force onto others, and our reactions to it, and quite frankly something I’ve needed to get off my chest.

The Antagonist Approach (Being Human)     

I’ll first take a look at how we as humans dole out this behavior, which oddly enough also encompasses perpetuating the negative behavior on others:

               

                “People have no regard for the damage they do to other people.” - God Bless America (A.K.A. The Every Self Serving Sonavbitch you’ve ever met Approach.)  In what is perhaps the oldest example of “Do unto others as they have done unto you.” in history, people that take this approach are usually the ones that irk you in some regard. And while the vast majority of the population is guilty of this, I will say it’s a matter of degrees.

                For instance, you let someone borrow a pen, which they never return. For illustration sake, let’s call this a “Level 1” offense. A lot of times we can justify these slights easily. We’ll that co-worker of mine took my pen, so I’ll take the one from the cable guy.

An example of a “Level 3” offense might be, the oaf that doesn’t pick up his dog’s shit after it craps on your front yard, slightly more aggravating then our first example. However, still reasonably justifiable by most standards. I ALWAYS pick up after MY dog, so leaving this turd here on this schlub’s lawn won’t hurt, just this once. 

You can then go all the way up to true abuse be it; mental, physical or emotional.

 If we say this list represents “Level 10” offenses. And as absurd as it might sound, a smaller portion of those diagnosed with the human condition can justify even these reprehensible actions, whether through conscious recognition or subconscious understanding. Don’t get me wrong- when I say that these too represent actions that can be justified, I am not talking about by those with mental fallacies, or other peculiar conditions. I mean people like you, me and yes even your grandmother. I can put it in perspective easily by saying; Spouse A cheats on Spouse B. Spouse B may feel compelled to do the same out of retaliation, or vindication. See, with that example it’s not such an obtuse point of view any longer…but my point is, Spouse B’s circumstances don’t make their actions appropriate. “Two wrongs don’t make a right.” said your grandpa after he caught your grandmother revenge cheating.

                Life is full of people who commit innocuous versions of these transgressions. They are so commonplace that we almost expect one or two of them to occur in a day, chalking them up as inconveniences of dealing with our fellow man (or woman). Have a string of these dealings in one day; you may even refer to it as a bad day. Largely, you are unaffected by these setbacks, and you either go about your day barely noticing them, or shrugging them off as part of the rat race, like the asshole that was hell bent on not letting you merge onto the freeway this morning- he clearly saw you!

                Where these infractions begin to mount is not typically those committed anonymously by strangers, those repeatedly carried out by loved ones, friends and others that are close to you. This turns an ignorant, selfish act into a seemingly targeted attack.

REACTIONS (Trying to be More Human than Human)

The Robert Neville Approach

“I can fix this.” - I Am Legend. Some of us that feel we are enlightened, intelligent, and all around reasonable may first try to make various concessions in dealing with the people that commit these errors (regardless of level) or the offenses themselves.

Depending on our own level of success in repairing whatever damage may have been wrought, we may continue down this path of the “fixer” or we may abandon helping efforts altogether.

                The Doctor Manhattan Approach 

“I’m tired of this planet, these people…tired of being caught in the tangle of their lives.”- Watchmen If we move on from our roles as fixers, we may arrive to that of the uninvolved observer. The stance of “not my problem” and/or “doesn’t directly affect me” may force our inaction.

The Punisher Approach

                “To pursue... natural justice. This is not vengeance. Revenge is not a valid motive, it's an emotional response. No, not vengeance. Punishment." - Punisher. This path is fairly simple, do onto others. If someone commits a minor transgression against you, the chosen course of action is to even the score, harm then, or do what has been done back to them.

Why do we do it? (Acting Human)

            No formal thought

            Though it may seem like a cop out, the truth is that most of these abrasive situations arise because people aren’t actively thinking about consequences.  Humans love to auto pilot through the day, this often leads to the inability to see the reactions of our actions, if you will.

           

            Self Interest

            They are actively thinking about themselves. The guy that cut you off in traffic, the lady that cut you in line, the politician that cut your health coverage.  All of them were acting out of their own best interest, not yours.

                They didn’t say, “I’m going to do ____ to Joe today.” But they did do ____ to Joe today. The end result is the same.

                Quasi-evil intent

            While this may sound a bit over the top, some people do enjoy the slight spark of torment that goes along with causing you inconvenience or minor harm. These people are perhaps the easiest to deal with, but the hardest to figure out. Assuming, that is, you want to figure them out at all. Personally, I’d like to see what makes them tick slightly out of time.

What do we do?
            Conclusion 
       Just deal with it man, that’s life after all.

                If you’ve read this far you were probably hoping for a better solution, I’m sure.

                However, honestly encounters like these and the more awkward, difficult situations in life builds both character, improvisational thinking and resiliency.

                “Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us bigger, even though sometimes it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and grieves which we endure help us in our marching onward.”

-  Henry Ford

Bro, Do You Even Joke?

                It must be a hard life when you have little to no sense of humor. Worse yet must be those who have friends who are religiously committed to being serious, the type that are perpetually unfunny, and wouldn’t know a joke if was written by Sam Kinison, delivered by Johnny Carson as a guest character on The Simpsons and then showed up in their Facebook feed as part of a meme about not knowing a damned joke was in the first place.

                A hard life indeed.

                I don’t know what these people do in life, but I can speculate: They don’t laugh as much as the rest of us, they don’t find humor in nearly all (ok actually all) aspects of life, and they are probably really stressed out most of the time. Oh, and they are constipated- granted I’ve nothing to base this on, but I’m just throwing it out there that they can’t be regular, can they?

                A few things though are tell-tale about the lifestyles of these sad sacks and how they spend their free time.

Psst, this is the part where I call out people for participating (or failing to participate) in things I don’t like, or have no interest in.

1)      Cards Against Humanity

a.       Now I can already tell that I’ve struck a nerve with some of you. I get it, it’s a popular game, manufactured by a great team of people who donate to charity (If you consider Wikipedia “charity”). But I don’t give a shit. The premise of this game to me screams “I am not witty enough to say anything funny on my own, so let me string a few random things together and see what happens…” (draws cards) “Harry Potter, testicular cancer, teabagging. Am I funny? Someone tell me I’m funny?”

b.      Further, I also think those that are seriously into this game have been either stifled creativity-wise as children or Mom and Dad never let an off color word fly in their household growing up. Either way they are dying for attention.

2)      They can’t make conversation

a.       You ever sat next to that person on a plane that you know is just not going to let you have a moment’s peace, because they are going to talk your damn ear off, and you are oh-so-very-sorry for making eye contact with them by accident when you first boarded.

Well, that person is an asshole, and turns out rare. So if I’m traveling alone, I’d much rather take the chance of running into Chatty Charlie than reading a book, or screwing around with my phone (which I’ll get to in a moment)- and this is coming from ME – a guy that generally dislikes…oh what are those things called out there in the world…oh ya- PEOPLE!

But it’s been my experience that most people feign disinterest (sometimes to the point of being rude) because they can’t actually talk to someone for any length of time, about something, nothing or anything. Granted, this is arguably a skill that is fading the world over with the increasing pressure to be social only through media and connect via technology rather than in person, but I digress.

3)      Cell Phone Love

a.       You’ve seen them, those lost souls with their craned necks and bad posture, staring dismally as they try to focus their eyes on a small, dim screen permanently attached to their fingertips. Talk about the walking dead…and to add to that actual factual science has now found that people that overly employ their cell phones as entertainment may lose the ability to entertain themselves without one.

This one’s hard to refute folks- you can argue with me about Cards and Conversation because that’s just me ranting about stuff (It’s my blog, it’s the internet, where else am I supposed to complain?) but this is actual scientific research! Science, that thing you’d never thought you’d use after you graduated. No wait that was math. Anyway, if you want to read it for yourself, click HERE.

                In the end, I realize that everyone has his or her own talent to draw from, but for the sake of the rest of us, those of you that have an underdeveloped sense of humor need to get out there and exercise it!