These days I plan little and worry
less.
Dread. Well dread is something
different entirely. I dread Mondays, the work that I do. These days nothing I
put forth seems to amount to anything. Each weekday is an exercise in cruel
humility, building upon the inevitable: that eventually all the confidence I
once had for my career will be stripped away, taken from me in small amounts
daily over time.
Though, that’s not who I am. That’s
just how I survive.
Although it may seem a meager
existence, it works in the sense that it provides.
No, but who I am… that is something
more, much bigger, much broader. Above
and beyond the scope, the definition that The Company provides.
In other environments, I am the
life of the party. Here to have a good time. I laugh as much as possible; try
to make others do the same. The best gift you can give someone behind the gift
of drunkenness is that of laughter.
But back into the drudgery that is
work, I am a hermit. A cog, something to be ignored until there is a problem. Then,
The Company comes running, not to encourage, but to point fingers and make sure
blame can’t be placed upon them. The Company uses terms like proactive, focus, tracking and a thousand
other buzz words- not knowing what any of them mean.
My true self, is a damn good
companion; I am trusting with the one that trusts me. At times, to a fault, in
love, I will sacrifice everything for the person that loves me.
It’s a side of me The Company will never see,
can’t see. Largely due to the fact that The Company is incapable of viewing me
as a person. I am seen only as a means to an end. If there is any intrinsic
value in what I do, I have missed its impact for quite awhile. Though my
suspicion is 12-16 hours a day rearranging financials on spreadsheets hardly
equates to value.
Another place, another time… if I
am your friend, dare I say, I am the best friend you may ever have. And if I
don’t make the cut, I will happily continue striving until I do.
At work I am depressed, trapped in
a cage that I have allowed The
Company, perhaps even enabled them to
build around me. I jump through the hoops of corporate approval, and despise
myself for the act.
Outside, I am cheerful. Liberated
to do what I want, when I want. Never, do I have to ask permission- for I am
free to be who I am.
