Monday, May 30, 2016

Bottom of the 80's Toy Box

They came to me in a dream.
                They had traveled through time, traversing a 28 year span. Objects I hadn’t thought of consciously in ages, which I hadn’t seen for almost three decades. They were violent, epitomes of reptilian and human gore. They were dinosaurs and they were attacking.

Dinosaurs Attack!


                This oddity was a card series produced by Topps* (Yes, think collectable baseball cards and bubble gum that will spur a visit to the dentist) in 1988. I was eight years old. I thought they were one of the coolest, weirdest things I’d ever seen- and for the record they impressed me way more than a still photo of Mike Schmidt on cardboard.
                I dreamt about them last night, I have no idea why. However the dream did lead me to thinking…what were some other obscure 80’s toys or collectibles I had growing up?
                Clearly, I had collected He-Man action figures (don’t you fuckin’ call them dolls!) as any red-blooded ‘merican boy did. To compliment that my brother was a more of a G.I. Joe kid. But what were some of the toys that I’ve overlooked after all these years, or buried in my memory banks? I had to really press my middle aged brain for awhile to come up with these, so here goes:

M.A.S.K.
Rights to  Kenner and/or related companies

                For those that don’t recall M.A.S.K. was sort of a generic mash up of G.I. Joe and Transformers. I can honestly say I don’t remember a damn thing about the cartoon. But I remember my brother and I had this lime green helicopter. If memory serves, the pilot was lost on a (very) early mission and pulled an Amelia Earhart, never to be seen again. But we still had that chopper-bike-thingy, and I’m pretty sure it was used as makeshift transportation from Snake Eyes to Teela, and everyone in between. We were reducing, reusing and recycling before it was cool.  

Centurions

                The next less than memorable toys I can recall are the Centurions. These were the guys that had connectable equipment holes all over their figures. They came with a shit ton of crap like rocket boosters, and fireable claws and rockets that we quickly lost. For my brother and me we had Max Ray (he also came complete with a 70’s pornstache) and Doc Terror (now wondering why my parents bought me the figure of the bad guy) respectively. At any rate, they never caught on in our house, and I don’t think we ever watched the accompanying cartoon even once.

"Max Ray" - Rights to  Kenner and/or related companies

"Doc Terror" - Rights to  Kenner and/or related companies

WWF Figures
Rights to WWE and/or related companies

                Take note that these weren’t the chair-swinging pandas from the World Wildlife Federation. Back in the 80’s  the company known as “WWE” was called "WWF", and they came out with foot tall hard rubber “action” figures that didn’t move at all, and weren’t poseable.  I clearly remember that my brother got to say his prayers, and take his vitamins with his Hulk Hogan figure, while again my parents gave me The Iron Sheik who was a heel (“Iran, #1. Russia #1. USA Ptooey!”- So awesome, I still remember that!). Not sure what was with all the "bad guy" toys for me. Maybe our parents were trying to drop some not so subtle hints to us in our early years. There might have also been a Macho Man floating around somewhere, but I can’t be sure. My brother also had the official wrestling ring that went with the figures. I distinctly remember my grandpa repairing that thing at least three times, by the end of its long life it had wooden stakes for ring polls, bungee cord for ropes and laminate flooring for its canvas.


                Time flies when your stumbling down memory lane. Well that was an hour of me wracking my brain, and that was the best my feeble mind could do for now.
I hope everyone that reads this takes a moment to reminisce as well, until next time! 




*Shout out to Bob Heffner's Dinosaurs Attack! HomePage. Perhaps the ultimate compendium of this particular card set that I was able to find on the net. I highly suggest visiting it if you want to reminisce. Or see depictions of dinosaurs ripping folks apart!