I may not have the power to change
worlds with my words, but I have the power to change someone’s mood, and that’s
all I’ve ever really wanted to do. I’ve been writing, albeit obviously unprofessionally
since 1998. I am well aware of where I lack certain skills. Just the same, I am
cognizant of what I do best.
While what follows may sound
bitter and aggressive to some, I’ve written this to remind myself and others
not to give up. No matter the opposition, or what you’ve set out to do, keep
taking NO for an answer until you can’t anymore, and then do it some more
anyway. I could sit here and tell you that it will all work out in the end, but
I can’t lie to you anymore than I can lie to myself. I can say, while it’s not certain
that you’ll ‘make it’ in whatever dream you’re trying to pursue, you’re damn sure
not going to make it if you give up.
It may not work out, you may never make a
million bucks, or fill Madison Square Garden, or have a million people reading a
piece you wrote. The beauty of it is; you don’t have to. Start with 50…20..hell
start with 1-just be prepared to be satisfied if that’s all it ever is.
Now ladies and gentlemen, I give you
actual responses that I have received in around 6 years of submitting queries to
agents, magazines and various other publishing outlets, and my candid responses….Enjoy
it for the rant that it is!
Your prose is simply not our
style.
Style? What the hell would you know about style? Your publication’s
mascot is a duck with bifocals! If you knew anything about style, you’d know that
it’s always in flux. I may not be perfekt with my spelling or grammar, but I
can tell an story and even create dynamic characters.
Pass, thanks.
Really? You couldn’t even scribble a full sentence about how
much my writing skills were lacking, or that my narrative just didn’t flow? I
suppose you’re too busy what with your staff of 1 person in your office located
on the outskirts of Hicktown, Ohio.
Thank you for your interest in
Self Righteous Jack Ass Ltd. However, I do not feel I am the right agent for
you.
You’re correct, numerically speaking your annual circulation
is less than what I make in a day, and you run a weekly publication. I also wasn’t
aware you now predominately print calendars about kittens. Maybe you should
update your listing in Writer’s Market?
I appreciate your interest in our
agency…
Just. Stop. Right. There. I’ve gotten no less than a hundred
of these, I saw the ‘but’ coming by the time my eyes reached appreciate. Is it going to be followed
by a saccharin statement about how I should keep trying? Wait, don’t tell me,
you don’t need to answer. Well that’s fine of you to care, but I’m never going
to stop doing what I love. Also, let’s be clear I have no interest in your agency.
My only interest is getting people to read what I’ve written.
We’re grateful the opportunity to
consider your work for possible representation, but we are afraid we have
decided to pass.
Oh hold up, wait a minute, I’ve seen this one before too.
Well I’ll tell you right now you are right on both counts, because you should
be grateful and afraid. You want to pass on me? I’m going to count myself lucky
because within a few months odds are you'll probably be out of business.
We are closed for submissions
from February 10th-January 19th. We appreciate your interest and hope to hear
from you next year!
Why even bother?
It just doesn’t fit with us, sorry!
Humble in defeat, but as far as being gracious in victory
that’s not going to happen. I’ve got a shoebox full of rejection letters and if
and when success finally finds me I can’t wait to get crackin’. I’m going to
tell off all of you starting from the beginning. Names, agencies and phone
numbers of everyone who opted to pass. I’ll sit and I’ll wait for them to
express their condolences. All the ones who replied but especially those who
didn’t.
Have you ever considered writing young
adult? Your style is more suited to their way of life.
I hate being told what to do, or how I should write. It’s not
about writing to a formula. It’s about what’s on my mind, what’s inside that needs
to be set across the page in black and white, grit and effort. It doesn’t always
come easily, but it’s always there. If I don’t say it I feel like no one can, or
will. You’ll never convince me that there’s not at least 1 person out there that
can benefit from it. I don’t write to make
a buck and I sure as fuck don’t write to sellout.
We regret to inform you…
I’m still here and I’m not going anywhere.
