Thursday, December 24, 2015

Gravity

I fall down quite a bit- and though it may surprise some of you it’s usually NOT after drinking (although I ain’t  gonna lie I’ve danced that jig before too).
                You see, I am a runner. A runner with Cerebral Palsy, no less. Add to that my occasional bad luck and panache for being a klutz and it’s a miracle I have lived to tale any tale- let alone this one.
                My problem is, I can’t get it up.
                And what I mean by that is sometimes-just sometimes-my right foot can’t make adjustments to changes to the incline that my left foot can. So if there’s a sidewalk out there that’s been pushed askew by tree roots, or a street that has bad ruts embedded in it that can be a problem.
                Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a bad foot, in fact I count myself lucky to have it. I mean it’s part of a set after all. Not to mention, there are folks out there that would beat me with their prosthetic to have the kind of mobility that I have.  Which is what actually motivated me to write this post.
                I fell today on an uppity part of the running path that thought it was too good to be even with the rest of the sidewalk. Immediately I knew I was fucked with a capital F–U-C-K. This wasn’t my first rodeo unfortunately.  You see, as someone with CP (that’s what all the cool kids call it) my initial reaction is to ball up my right hand (the part of my body that’s been affected by my condition) when my body goes on “high alert”. This wouldn’t be a problem, except for the fact that most people opt for that whole catching yourself as you fall option, or short of that bracing your body for an impact.
                So I fell, my right side battling against the concrete in a sudden crash. I can honestly say, as God as my witness, it didn’t hurt. Much. But I was mad, disappointed in myself, ashamed of my physical limitations. I cried out, I cursed God and swore so loudly that anyone that was nearby that didn’t witness the fall, certainly heard me. I mean the Heavens heard me, so you can imagine.
                At any rate, my point in all this ranting is that I AM INVINCIBLE! No, wait that’s not it.
                My point is, after hitting the ground and crying out, I could’ve easily gave up and went home. I was only 15 minutes in to my run you see, and it would’ve been easier to turn around and slink home then to march onward.
                So I stood, cranked my head to make sure I wasn’t dizzy, surveyed my cuts and bruises and took off in a sprint. And as the blood trickled from my hands and elbow and knees, I surged with energy. I pushed forward in spite of seeing red, I pushed forward because I’m a runner. Therefore, I am everything that goes along with that; a stubborn, tireless, perfectionist, relentless and determined. I kept going for me, because I wouldn’t let the fall get the better of me. I wouldn’t  turn tail and run home when there are so many people in the world that would kill to be able to take off in a surge of speed under their own power.
                To my surprise as I dashed forward, my legs weren’t stringy. I surged ahead more rapidly than before, more focused, more aware, maybe even more alive. I fed off the adrenaline; the thousands of people that have to sit idle due to physical ailments were with me too in spirit, propelling me down that path.
                As my legs became pistons, pushing me ever faster, I realized something…the fall was only a warm up.



Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Wise Guy

Some might call me acerbic; some might call me cynical or jaded. Others still might call me quick clever, or dare I say it even kinda funny. At the very least I know returning to an office setting has definitely jogged my wit.

Here are a few snippets of conversation I’ve recently engaged in with some of my office mates, enjoy!

CONVERSATION 1
Co-worker #1: “I like your tie.”
Me: “Of course you do.” (followed by casually strolling away)


CONVERSATION 2
Manager who thinks he’s funny: (joking with me about my productivity) “And that’s why you’ve been voted our most capable volunteer ever.”
Me:“I’ve also been voted most likely to take your job.”


CONVERSATION 3
Gossiper Co-Worker: “Why did you decide to leave your previous job?”
Me: “I thought volunteering for the state would be the next best thing to unpaid vacation.”


CONVERSATION 4
Micro Manager: (after giving me a task that consisted of counting out stacks of brochures and items to be mailed) “Now do you think you can handle this? It should take you about 2-3 hours.”
Me: “I’ll have it to you in 30 minutes- 40 tops.”
Micro Manager: There’s no need to rush.”
Me: “Though I am always in haste, I am never in a hurry, just like all the actual employees here.”


CONVERSATION 5
Bro-worker: “So bro what do you want to be when you grow up?”
Me: “Smarter than you. Oh wait, already checked that box.”


CONVERSATION 6
Party Planner Co-Worker: “Do you want to be a part of our Secret Santa?”
Me: “No, I don’t believe in either one.”
Party Planner Co-Worker: “Huh?”
Me: “Keeping secrets, or Santa. I don’t believe in them.”


CONVERSATION 7
Party Planner Co-Worker: “Do you want to be part of our holiday potluck?”
Me: (staring wryly) “Really think before you answer this: Do you really want to eat something I’ve cooked?”
Party Planner Co-Worker: “I’ll put you down as a no.”


CONVERSATION 8
Concerned about my social Status Co-Worker: “Don’t you want to eat lunch with us?”
Me: “What gave you that idea; the fact that I am sitting in a blind corner, as far away from you as possible?”
Concerned about my social Status Co-Worker:“Yes.”
Me: “Well there ya go, also how did you find me?”
Concerned about my social Status Co-Worker: “You are so funny.”
Me: “I wasn’t kidding.”