Who I Am

These days I plan little and worry less.

Dread. Well dread is something different entirely. I dread Mondays, the work that I do. These days nothing I put forth seems to amount to anything. Each weekday is an exercise in cruel humility, building upon the inevitable: that eventually all the confidence I once had for my career will be stripped away, taken from me in small amounts daily over time.

Though, that’s not who I am. That’s just how I survive.

Although it may seem a meager existence, it works in the sense that it provides.

No, but who I am… that is something more, much bigger, much broader.  Above and beyond the scope, the definition that The Company provides.

In other environments, I am the life of the party. Here to have a good time. I laugh as much as possible; try to make others do the same. The best gift you can give someone behind the gift of drunkenness is that of laughter.

But back into the drudgery that is work, I am a hermit. A cog, something to be ignored until there is a problem. Then, The Company comes running, not to encourage, but to point fingers and make sure blame can’t be placed upon them. The Company uses terms like proactive, focus, tracking and a thousand other buzz words- not knowing what any of them mean.

My true self, is a damn good companion; I am trusting with the one that trusts me. At times, to a fault, in love, I will sacrifice everything for the person that loves me.

 It’s a side of me The Company will never see, can’t see. Largely due to the fact that The Company is incapable of viewing me as a person. I am seen only as a means to an end. If there is any intrinsic value in what I do, I have missed its impact for quite awhile. Though my suspicion is 12-16 hours a day rearranging financials on spreadsheets hardly equates to value.

Another place, another time… if I am your friend, dare I say, I am the best friend you may ever have. And if I don’t make the cut, I will happily continue striving until I do.

At work I am depressed, trapped in a cage that I have allowed The Company, perhaps even enabled them to build around me. I jump through the hoops of corporate approval, and despise myself for the act.

Outside, I am cheerful. Liberated to do what I want, when I want. Never, do I have to ask permission- for I am free to be who I am.