Rock Star Student

The below is an actual assignment for one of my 300 level college courses. We were asked to introduce ourselves to the rest of the class in a creative way...Since my fellow classmates didn't take the time to fully appreciate this, I thought I'd share it here...Enjoy!

The most non-traditional of the non-traditional students is David Scott, and Rolling Stone had the chance to catch up with him as he prepared for the launch of his Spring semester. We were able to sit down with the underwhelming undergrad himself and get his take on a few key questions:

RS: Not too many students name their Spring semesters David, why did you name yours, and tell us exactly what “B.Y.O.B” means?

DS: I think in order to fully commit myself to this semester, the serious student, artist, deep thinker such as myself needs a theme they can commit to, and maybe even aspire to. “B.Y.O.B.” is exactly that, it’s here, it’s loud, and it’s in your face. It’s so many things it defies labels. But if I were to put a label on it-and I’m going to- I’d say it’s contemporary…to the point that it’s retro.

RS: So it has something for every generation?

DS: Well, ya sure, I mean I’m a 36 year old student, with an awesome girlfriend and four occasionally horrible pain in the butt dogs, who got sick and tired of the greed and corruption of the corporate world man. I, I just said enough man! And then decided to major in Social Work, ‘cause like who needs money man?

RS: Wait, what? Sorry, let’s back up, what exactly does “B.Y.O.B.” stand for?

DS: Oh ya, sorry…”Bring Your Own Brain” It’s like who needs Google, or Wikipedia. It’s like getting back to the roots of studying- spiral notebook, pencil, textbook. And you know, just shut up and learn.

RS: Ok and when does “B.Y.O.B” drop?

DS: Oh, it done dropped! I mean we are living it right now, Spring 2017 semester has started!

RS: And you’ll be touring to promote “B.Y.O.B”?

DS: You call it ‘touring’ I call it ‘going to class’ but yes, I have some appearances planned.

RS: Now that we’ve got business out of the way, tell us more about the real David, behind the scenes?

DS: There’s not a lot to it really. I mean my goal is to make the Dean’s list every semester until I graduate with honors. Rock my placement at DCS through the stipend program and then build and position my brand so I can take over the world.

RS: And in a David-controlled world what could fans look forward to?

DS: Merchandising.

RS: Merchandising?

DS: Yes, I’m talking David Scott products in every consumer category known to humankind! Lunchboxes, non-smoking ashtrays, key chains, pre-flushing toilets, dry towelettes, energy drinks, bacon- flavored dog treats, mouse-flavored cat treats, hardhats, placemats—

RS: David-

DS: Doormats-

RS: David!

DS: Floor mats-

RS: DAVID!

DS: Hazmats-

RS: DAVID! Stop please, let’s get back on track?

DS: Certainly, what else would you like to know?

RS: How does Criminal Justice factor into all this?

DS: Batman.

RS: I’m sorry? You decided to Minor in Criminal Justice because of Batman?

DS: No, because I AM Batman!

RS: …That’s not true. Is it?

DS: No…but it sounds cool, eh?

Will You Pretend to be my Boyfriend?

           “Hey, hi… are you here alone?”

            I looked up from my phone to see a brunette woman in her mid-twenties looking a bit nervous and awkward. She was standing in front of me with a cell and what looked to be a charger at first glance.

            I thought, Clearly, I must be using the weight machine nearest to a wall outlet. This girl needed to get around me in order to have unfettered access to Instagram or something.

            “Umm, ya, I’m sorry I’ll move…” I made an effort to stand and collect my water and keys that I threw on the floor next to me.

            “No, no, you don’t understand,” she reassured me.

            “Oh, wait I see,” I suddenly knew what this young dame was up to, “I’m very flattered, but I’m sorry I have a girlfriend.” I sat back down on the machine, thinking our brief conversation was finished. I also noticed what I had thought was a charger cord, were actually headphones.

            “No it’s not that either,” she said, quickly glancing over her shoulder and looking around. “There’s this really creepy guy…”

            Of course there is, I thought, you’re talking to him.

            “And he’s following me around, and he’s freaking me out, and umm, sorry I don’t know how to say this; would you be my boyfriend for a few minutes?”

            Oh no, wait, that’s not me after all.

            “Ah what? I’m sorry; it sounded like you just asked me to be your boyfriend?”

            She seemed embarrassed, “Yes, just to get him off my back?”

            I scanned her eyes wondering if I would be able to discern what she really had in mind. Was it some form of covert espionage? Was I in a reality show?

            It was difficult to tell what her angle was, but I am always up to playing the hero, even if it’s only in a small way, so how could I say ‘No’? Plus, compared to the monotony of my regular arms day at the gym, it was a no-brainer. Besides, she had kind, truthful eyes that helped to lower my guard.“Umm, sure. What are you planning on doing?”

            She said sweetly, “I was going to run over there on the treadmill,” then her voice soured, “But he’s kinda lurking around.”

            I thought at the moment that I didn’t know which was weirder, the unknown male seemingly stalking a stranger at the gym, or her having to ask a complete stranger for protection from the aforementioned pervert. Later, my girlfriend would assure me that the pervert’s behavior was definitely the worse of the two.

            For now, I looked at the young lady and said, “Ok, I need to do a bit of cardio anyway, I’ll follow you over there and run next to you.”

            “Oh my gosh, thank you so much!” her smile was genuine, I returned it.

            As I got up to follow my new “girlfriend” I noticed a young man at the machine next to me. His eyes were wide in astonishment. The look on his face seemed to say that he had seen sitcoms start out this way, and he seemed oddly envious that he wasn’t chosen to be the protector. I wanted to give him a gentle explanation of why it was me she picked. While he watched us walk away, I turned back to him, and pointed down at my t-shirt.

            A little baby Bruce Wayne was decked out in his little baby Batman suit. I mouthed, ‘I’m Batman’ as I walked away.

            I followed the young lady to a treadmill of her choosing, taking up residence on one next to her. Curiosity then got the better of me, “Okay I have to ask, can we see him from where we’re standing?”

            She nodded, “He’s to the left.”

            Idiotically, I looked to our right. She giggled; I blushed, and corrected my view. Upon doing so, I saw a skinny man in his mid-fifties with short cropped white hair. He had on a sweat suit; the top was cut off at the arms. He looked like either a 1970’s gym teacher, or a 1980’s gym rat. Also, I had to agree with the young lady, he definitely had the creepy look down pat.

            “Yesterday when I was here he was trying to show me lifting tips, and then when he was done he declared that he ‘liked me’ before getting all oddball and slinking off in a corner to leer at me until I was done.”

            My face showed my repulsion, “Who doesn’t love getting unsolicited workout advice and then being gawked at?”

            “Ya?” she laughed, “You try it with someone that looks like that.”

            “I see your point.”

            The treadmills whirred to life, and we were off without going anywhere. Although he didn’t immediately leave upon seeing the two of us begin our run, it only took a few minutes for him to exit the gym completely.

            I did a short run, but before hopping from the treadmill I told the young lady, “If he comes back, come and find me, I’ll be doing arms for a while yet.” She smiled and nodded.

            Feeling that I had done a good deed, even if it was something that would go unnoticed by the world as a whole, I returned to my normal routine.

            About twenty minutes passed when the girl interrupted my workout again. “Hey, I just wanted to say thanks before I left.”

            “Ah, no problem, glad I could help.”

            She smiled and waved goodbye. I never got her name, nor her mine. In fact we barely spoke at all. As she left I let myself indulge in thought, A silent guardian, a watchful protector. A dark knight.

            I shook my head at my own foolishness, Back on the clock David, you’ve still got a workout to finish dork.

Qui custodit scurra?

APPETIZER

Before I begin this one, I feel it’s important to state a few things up front, just so you, as readers, understand where I’m coming from:

1)      I do NOT claim to know Latin – I used Google translate to decipher “Who Watches the Joker?”  - so if it’s off, blame them.

2)      I am a CASUAL comic book fan – meaning I don’t know every piece of trivia, developing news, or fan boy tidbit there is to know. I realize this is just a “theory” of how things my shake out in DCs new Rebirth series. Further, I also realize this “revelation” is not quite 2 months old as I write this. However, when I came across this VIDEO a few days ago, it sparked the need to write about the potential storyline. Heck, it may even have already been resolved and discredited as of this writing (though I couldn’t find anything online indicating as such).

3)      I absolutely love The Watchmen (I have 5 Watchmen-related tattoos on my skin, so you could say I’m a fan) I love The Joker (I have 4 Joker-related tattoos, again, I’m a fan, I think I’ve established that). Needless to say I am having a NERGASM at even the very thought of this storyline.

MEAT & POTATOES

For those of you that don’t know DC is re-launching all of its series, and the company likes to do so through huge all-encompassing storylines. “Rebirth” is the most current effort to do this. In doing so DC has stated the “New 52” (DCs previous reboot of their fictional universe) was created by none other than (drum roll please) Dr. Manhattan! *nerd swoon*

Now in re-launching the universe the powers-that-be over at DC touted they would be revealing the true identity of the Joker. Following this, Batman discovers through sitting in the Mobius chair (fictitious chair that contains all the knowledge of the world within the DC Universe- again stress on fictitious) he learns there were actually 3 Jokers!

Why is this so interesting to me you ask? Well, that’s the exciting part! There’s a possibility that one of these three Jokers is potentially- The Comedian! *nerd swoon*

There have been several potential clues surrounding this, the greatest of which is Batman discovering The Comedian’s badge behind an item of Joker evidence within the bat cave.

DESSERT

I guess you could surmise that I am thrilled at the possibility. Of course, whether or not DC pulls it off with some interesting stories to follow it (or goes through with it at all) remains to be seen. Until then, one can hope…

See You in the Funny Papers

Ahh, comic books, that microcosm of literature that somehow manages to work every internet nerd into a steely-eyed, froth-mouth frenzy of rage if one tiny thing is changed about the characters they’ve followed from the time they were old enough to read, up until present day, where they rant with their keyboards via their parents Wi-Fi connection. All the typical things like “You ruined my childhood!” and “This isn’t canon!” and “My mom got me Cool ranch Doritos instead of Nacho cheese!”

                We’ve been seeing changes from both Marvel, as well as DC as they provide their respective universes with a bit more diversity, and even enable writers to start with a new approach to classic heroes in order to attract new fans.

                As of this writing, the latest item that’s filling Marvel’s hate mail (Do people still actually send letters anymore? Or is all internet hate directed via online forums and email?) is their decision to “retire” Tony Stark and replace him with a 15 year old GASP! African-American DOUBLE-GASP! girl! TRIPLE-GASP!   

                Immediately thereafter, all the narrow-minded, stuck in the past, obsolete fan boys (and maybe girls?) scream their collective disapproval, and then shit themselves in disbelief.

                In recent times we’ve also had DCs New 52, and now DC’s Rebirth, along with Marvel creating Marvel Now, and not to mention their efforts at making Miles Morales (the new Spider-Man), female Thor, New Wolverine (X-23) and so on and so forth…and in all these instances at least a segment of the comic fan base became irate and complained endlessly.

                Obviously, I’m writing about this because I have an opinion, and here’s where I’ll tell you what it is…

                …As at least a casual comic book fan since 1992 I think this type of thing is amazing and here’s why:

                As a fan, in many of these heroes’ cases we’ve seen them in action for nearly three-quarters of a century (or more). More or less, every story arc that can be done has been. We’ve seen them beat up every manner of bad guy (or gal), we’ve seen them love and lose, we’ve seen them fight our other favorite heroes, we’ve seen them broken, lose everything, and even die, only to come back as if nothing ever happened. Why on earth would you want to have writers rehash the same story, and cover the same ground that’s been done for decades?

                As a writer (term used loosely, I am a filthy, filthy amateur) rebooting, or retooling these characters provides fertile ground to yield fresh ideas. When you think of Wolverine for instance, it’s a safe bet you know the origin, the experiences, the famous battles and moments of his fictional life. Further, I could argue, due to Wolverine’s personality, you can almost predict (based on circumstance), where the character will end up. But you don’t know X-23’s because they haven’t been written yet! You see what I’m getting at?

                As a capitalist, I can also understand why Marvel in particular can’t just say, well fans want more diversity in their heroes, so let’s create a brand new one. Names like Iron Man, Thor and Spider-Man are more than just household names; they are brands in and of themselves! It could conceivably take years to build up the popularity and name recognition of a new hero or heroine, and why risk that when from a creative perspective it lends itself to produce dynamic ideas that haven’t been done before?

                Personally, some of my favorite books are the ones that never took place in their respective universe’s continuity. Books like Old Man Logan, Marvel Zombies, Deadpool Kills the Marvel Universe are all great because they break the rules of what you might expect from certain characters, settings or origin stories. In other words, I want to see something new!

                In short, to all you naysayers out there: STFU!

                Only after, the new Iron Man (Wo-man?, Girl?? Person???) is released then and only then do I give you permission to whine, piss and moan.

                Actually, no I take that back, we still don’t want to hear your ridiculous opinions, and to be clear no one cares about your childhood.

It's Not About the Money...

…It’s about sending a message.

Words uttered by the Joker in Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Knight just before setting fire to a monumental pile of cash. A powerful scene that gives the viewer insight into the character’s true motivation. But chaos and mayhem aside, is it realistic? How dependent am I on the comfort of money? And maybe more importantly, do I even have a message to send?

Before answering that question, I suppose it’s important to frame it with the proper history.

From humble beginnings, I am the guy that grew up on baloney sandwiches laced with government cheese, and somehow ended up wearing hand-me-downs even though I was the oldest sibling. Many a school year I was the child that hadn’t gotten new clothes and was wearing last year’s fall fashion to homeroom on day one of class. The only thing I knew about Nike was that I didn’t have any (Alas a swoosh-less upbringing, woe is me), and it seemed everyone else did. My parents, God bless them both, somehow fed and clothed a family of four on a mere $17,000 a year. That being said, I wasn’t aware I was poor until I got around kids in school that weren’t. Trust me, I believe the ignorance of my youth was a good thing, and of course a credit to my parents.

Through my teens, even after I started working, the lure of upgrading my lifestyle with brand names eluded me, or perhaps I eluded it. 

In my twenties, things took a turn as I began earning more dough. I drank Budweiser and Jaeger, and thought them to be the height of alcoholic beverages. My mall trips consisted of safaris wherein I would attempt to find the World’s most classless and ugly shirts. Remember those button-ups that were imitation silk, the bright ones with the swirling dragons and flames that were lapping up from the shirt tails? Ya, I kept those things in market for several years. And I apologize.

Fast forward some ten or so years, and all my running shoes have passed the swoosh test. I no longer eat government cheese, but instead opt for dropping about a hundred dollars a week on restaurant grub. My clothing choices now include a selection of about 100 printed t-shirts, and for more formal events a few vests and slacks (though most of these are recycled work clothes that no longer get worn). Guinness and Gentleman Jack can be found taking up space in the bar these days. Needless to say I’ve gotten quite a bit more comfortable embracing America’s new favorite pastime; consumerism.

Though sometimes I wonder, why did things change? Supposing it’s normal to alter one’s spending habits as you earn more income, my theory is as follows: I can be a fairly persuasive person, particularly I can talk myself into anything. Had a bad day? Resolve it with a spending spree. Stress on the job? Relieve it with a nice drink. While you’re at it, don’t waste your cash on your regular fare, upgrade! Why, because you deserve it pal!

Naturally, because of the path I’ve followed in this regard I find myself asking as of late, could I go back to the way things used to be?

My answer is a simple one: I think I’ve lost my taste for government cheese.

Kidding aside, I think I could, but only if I had to. If by some uncontrollable event, I no longer had the means to enjoy my current standard of living. Please don’t misunderstand me either. I’m not writing this to brag about where I’m at vs. where I came from. Everyone that has the ability to read these words is without a doubt better off than a majority of the rest of the world (Fact is as of 2012, even the bottom 10% of U.S. income falls in the top 30% of global income distribution).  Additionally, we all have our own vices. Some of you might even be reading this on the latest IPhone. I’m not even going to call out the fact you’ve probably wasted hundreds of dollars running out to the Apple store to buy the newest model, even though your previous phone was probably without defect. I believe nearly every American is guilty of this type of behavior to some degree.

At the end of all this contemplation I suppose I’m not so bad overall. At least I’m to the point where I’m thinking about what my hard earned cash goes towards, and that’s a step in the right direction if nothing else.

So I suppose we’re to the point where I have to get to mine. Getting back to what I referenced about having a message… Simply put I believe mine is as follows; it’s worth taking a look at what demands your dollars attention. Just because you’re spending within your means, doesn’t mean what you spend has meaning.