The Job Search Codified

           

            Ahh, it’s that time once again. Time to brush the dust off the old resume and start pounding the pavement, shaking hands and smiling my best smile all in the hopes that I can earn a living like a typical adult.

            But it’s really none of that stuff anymore, is it? You don’t have the luxury of meeting someone (anyone?) face-to-face in order to show off your personality. You have the luxury of “saving time” (or saving someone time) by doing everything via the modern personal computer (Hold applause, no really).  

            Thanks to the advent of the internet, I’ll edit my resume electronically. All the while keeping a keen eye peeled to make sure my key words match their those used in the job description at a rate of 80% or more. From there, before I even meet a prospective hiring manager, I will answer a 100 question “personality test” that basically gauges whether or not I’m a sociopath, likely to steal office supplies, or generally be an unproductive waste of space once hired. And in my favorite part of the process, I’ll get to upload my resume and then on the very next screen, fill in each section of my resume in overly complex little boxes that require the most minute details. If I miss anything, or have any typos, I get to see that glowing red box of idiocy if formatted even the slightest bit outside the website’s parameters.

            I can chose to check boxes that tell a company my ethnicity, military and disability status, or I can keep it a secret. Because maybe I’m afraid I’m too Caucasian, or not Caucasian enough (Just what the in the blue hell is “Caucasian” anyway)?

            Luckily, if I don’t get the job, I’ll get that important hope-crushing email that proudly declares “We have decided to pursue other candidates”. Worse yet, I may never hear anything...ever. In fact, I am still waiting on that mortgage broker gig from 2001.

            Speaking of that, how many high quality candidates, hard working folks, are lost in the information algorithm that is the online job hunt? Do you feel like you’ve missed out on jobs, careers even, because you checked the “wrong” answer in response to a question? Or simply the computer program couldn’t exactly reconcile your qualifications with that of the position you were applying for? I know I often do.

            It has been said that looking for a job is in effect a full time job. And often times it does feel like a full time job, minus the pay, human interaction, and personal sense of satisfaction or accomplishment.

Call Center: Take Two

            I was heading into work last week and saw a kid (I can say kid because he was closer to eighteen than twenty one, and I am closer to forty than thirty, both of these things are sad in their own way). Anyway, he had on a t-shirt that read “Carpe Diem”- this is absolutely true. I asked him if he was trying to be ironic. He said he didn’t know – for his part, probably also true.

            I did start me down a path of thought. See both of us are employed in a call center. Yes you know, one of those tall office buildings where a bunch of drones with headsets attempt to talk to regular people about a whole myriad of things. Perhaps you haven’t paid your bills, maybe you just got into a car accident, or it could be that you’re overburdened by money, and someone is desperately trying to sell you something.  Me, I work in tech support, employed by a vendor company that I can’t mention,  for a primary company I can’t name, that supports products I can’t freely talk about.

            Confidentiality. You understand, I’m sure. Rest assured, whatever it is I may or may not do, it doesn’t involve national defense, or require security clearance. However, there are lots of problems with this job.

This gentleman is showing call center managers where they can stick it to their employees.

            The main thing is, I’ve already done all this before. I mean I’ve been at this for a month now, and all I can think about is how everyone I’ve been introduced to I’ve either met before, and / or done their job in a previous job of my own. In my training class there was the know-it-all (not me this time, more on that in a bit), the trainer, the hip one, the professional, the manager, the burnout, the person that can’t be bothered to take anything seriously (also not me), the team lead, the immature one, the conspiracy guy, the section manager, the loud mouth (sorry, still not me), and a few others.

            Before I get into where I fit in with all of these caricatures, let me give you some insight on the type of company we are dealing with…

            …We started the class with 23 souls, by day two we had lost two people. They just vanished; no one knows what became of them. By the end of week 1,  two more had dropped, one for sleeping in class, and one that was fired for having “court” and missing too much of the “training”. In week 2, two more people were terminated for dozing during class, and one for attendance on that Monday. He just showed up at lunch on day 6, with no explanation, and no phone call. Midweek of week 2 a few more dropped, one of which was due to DCS taking her kids (or that’s what she told me). No judgment here, DCS takes a lot of kids, or so I’ve heard.  The other two were let go because of cell phone use in class. This particular employer thinks the world will end if a cell phone comes in close proximity to a work computer. That brought us to week three when two of the people in class decided they needed to fight one another. Perfectly normal, and professional workplace behavior, right? However, I suspect because we had lost so many people they let it slide. Two days later these two were at it again, one of them terminated because he had been deemed instigator. Finally, on the last day of training, again another person vanished, and another failed to complete an exam we needed to pass in order to remain employed. By the end of the three week training we were down to nine.

            And then there was me. Again, having done all this before, I wasn’t sure if this particular place was where I needed to be, I still am not sure, if I’m being honest. My perspective is at least different. I’m not the know-it-all, or the class clown, or even the loud mouth.

            It’s much worse. I’m the old guy. And by old, I mean oldest actually. And that’s only because two of the sleepers that were fired had waved bye-bye to fifty years old long ago. I wear glasses in class, I check CNN instead of Snapchat on my breaks, and God help me, I contribute to the general goings-on during class! Sadly, this is the only part of this experience that is new. I find it hard to relate to my whippersnapper classmates, and harder still to relate to the members of management I’ve met. Notably, I have left out my previous career accolades, as I didn’t want to intimidate anyone. At least I’m the socially awkward one, a role that I am used to, and can carry well.

            Clearly, I am less than thrilled with this job. So is it the fact I’m starting at the bottom all over again? Possibly, I take issue with the job because of its menial, repetitive nature? Perhaps, it’s because I lack the passion for the work. Or maybe, just maybe it’s because it’s a call center.

            Someone once told me that call centers are places where dreamers weep and creativity goes to die. If that’s true, I’ve both wiped my tears, and come back from the dead. Unfortunately, now feel like I’m marching right back down that path to the slaughterhouse.

            Also, do you hear that ringing? Somebody answer that damn phone! Oh wait, that’s my job…

Job Hunt

            Shh. Don’t make a sound! There it is in the distance. It’s a job…Oh my, it’s a beaut’! Wonderful benefits, amazing pay, and oh my- could it be? It has weekends off!

            No for Christ Sake’s don’t move- you’ll spook it! Stay still; let me handle this I’ve got just the thing to take ‘er down. What is it you ask? My fully loaded tactical resume. It’s got enough qualifications and near-fantasy bragging to put down any job.

             Ok I’ve got to wait for just the right moment. Hold your breath. Ready. Aim. Fire!

            Oh hell, that shot went wide. Really, really wide. And…yep I’ve spooked it, there it goes.

            It’s gone. And oh, wait someone else got it to boot.

            Shit, oh well let’s hunker down and wait for another…

            So, as you might’ve guessed from reading the above I’ve been job hunting, and it’s a lot like what I’ve written. I have a rather impressive (IMHO) resume. The problem is it’s in an industry completely different from where I’m currently looking. And it’s because of this frustration that I feel a rant is in order. I think we have a highly outdated and ultimately archaic method to recruit, hire and maintain talent in our society. And here are the top 5 things I just don’t get about job hunting and hoops that employers make potential employees go through to get that ever elusive job:

5)  Never taking a chance on a “different” candidate

Hire. Resign. Repeat. This is typical of most high turnover workplaces and it means that employers are in a constant state of flux; training, rehiring and the like. But why?

My theory is that it’s because they are conditioned to hire what looks good on paper, but never works out in reality (that whole theory vs. practice thing). Certain jobs take certain types of mentalities, that’s no secret, but some skills are usually also in line with particular personalities and character types. The aloof person may not be the best at detail-hearty tasks. Likewise, the polished multi-tasker may not be able to sit and focus on one repetitive thing with nothing else to occupy their mind. This isn’t wrong or right, but it can lead to getting the same stagnant “type” in a position, and that may also lead to finding a replacement due to this ill-suited individual seeking a more appropriate position for themselves elsewhere.  

4)  Not realizing skills are transitional from one environment to another

Twenty years of work experience is a twenty years of work experience, with few exceptions. I don’t believe that years selling cars qualifies you to perform brain surgery, but I do believe that critical thinking, problem solving and a strong work ethic is universal. Employers tend not to see a good candidate that may need some refining to familiarize themselves with operating procedure, but once that’s done those years of experience (even in another industry) are like rocket fuel. You get a great payoff for minimal investment because a talented person can transition their strengths into varying areas.  

3)  Interviews where nearly everything involved is fake

What is the main determining factor in getting a job in today’s workplace? Ah, that’s right the interview. That act where the potential hire dresses in clothes they likely wouldn’t normally wear, answers inane prepared questions they’ve probably either researched or answered a dozen times in another interview and acts like they are nice and generally care about a company and a cause. Seems like a great way to select someone who is going to ultimately be a letdown, or at the very least, not what you expected based on a first impression.

Why not have a candidate job shadow for a couple hours? See what the job actually entails versus a perfectly crafted HR description that always ends with “other duties as assigned” anyway.  Think of it; your potential candidate gets a first look at the way the company runs on a typical day, and you (or an employee) can see their willingness to assist, ask questions, discuss the business, or even offer different perspective on operational tasks.

2) No follow up

We’ve all had this happen to us, you crafted your resume, you wore your best outfit, you bathed and even answered all the right questions in all the right ways. But alas, the phone never rings. You botched something? Interviewer didn’t like your tie or handbag? You dinged the boss’ car on the way out of the parking lot?
If you were impressive, or at least impressive enough to get a call for an interview, why no follow up on what was lacking? Now granted the first thing a hiring manager will say is that they do not have the time to contact a dismissed candidate and help them figure out what dots didn’t get connected. However, I would argue the opposite; you don’t have the time not to. If you, as a hiring manager, are picking unsuitable candidates based on resumes that don’t live up to their potential in person, than my guess is your going to be spending a great deal of time spinning your wheels in that interview room, and beyond that, looking for new candidates after the current crop exit due to lack of job satisfaction or fit (see #5).

Think of it this way, perhaps that guy or gal that you felt wouldn’t have made the best contracts clerk, would be a good fit for another position that happened to open up after the fact? There, you just saved yourself some time, and helped develop a better method to help you recognize who might be better suited for a particular role.

1) Filling out an online resume (or paper resume) when I’ve just given you a copy of my resume!

This is the biggest waste of time on both the employer’s side and the prospective employee. If you’re online and you’re filling out an application and you attach your resume, why on God’s green mud ball do you need to then spend the next hour filling in those same details in tiny little boxes on several different pages of the application?

This goes double for any employer that still utilizes paper applications. Just read my damn resume- after all that’s why I put it together!

Besides, you will learn more from me by way of the personal style indicated in my resume than you will from me writing in fill in the blank answers on some bureaucratic form.

Ok, there that’s it, that’s my big five…and by the lack of activity in my bank account I know that I still don’t have a steady paycheck coming in, so I better get back out on the hunt.

            Wish me luck, and thanks for reading!