My
field instructor smiled at me, “You’re going to be running this afternoon’s
group.” I immediately looked behind me to make sure there wasn’t someone more qualified,
or someone else he had meant to address. There wasn’t.
“Great,
can’t wait,” I lied through clenched teeth. Already I could feel the sweat
building from my armpits. How could
this be I thought? Why in God’s name would they want me to run group? Who
called off? Are they trying to redefine the word ‘desperate’?
And then it
dawned on me…I am training to be a social worker, one who will eventually be
going on to work with those that have had mental health issues, experienced trauma
or been trying to live a substance-free life. While this realization did give
me some comfort, I still felt my heart begin thumping as if it were about to
break through the outer wall of my chest.
After
doing my best not to float away in my own nervous perspiration, I quickly
worked up the nerve to ask my field instructor what exactly that meant.
“Relax,
I’ll sit in with you and see how you do for a bit, and I’ve already put
together the lesson plan.”
My
mind still protested. I can’t! I’m not
ready! You’ve got the wrong guy! My mouth said, “Sure, I’m ready, I was
wondering when I would get the opportunity.” Stupid! Why’d you say that? Now you have no other choice but to run
away. That’s right, leave at lunch, don’t come back. Ever. That will do the
trick!
Luckily,
I had a full two hours to review the material beforehand. Today we would be
looking at commonly held irrational beliefs and typical thinking errors. Oh no, and I was already catastrophizing the event and it hadn’t even taken place
yet! I beat back the thoughts as self-destructive and set to work making
scribbled notes and highlights all over my worksheets for the full 120 minutes
that followed.
Before I knew it, there I sat, face-to-face with a room full of twenty men, not much different
than myself- all of them staring at the front of the room waiting to get
started.
“Well…”
my field instructor hinted as he sat next to me, arms folded.
“Oh
me? I start?”
He
nodded.
“Alright
gentlemen…” I proceeded to lay down the ground rules that I planned to use in
order keep the meeting on track. It was exhilarating! That was the catalyst
that sent me into a deep state of focus. I put on my reading glasses just to
make sure I was centered, and the fear and anxiety that had gripped me for the
last two hours left me completely.
My
field instructor turned to leave the room after only a few minutes. Oh my! You’re on your own! I felt like I
was flying a plane for the first time all by myself. Keep it steady, do not screw this up!
I
set the tone; they shared, elaborated on concepts and were respectful of one
another. It was a magnificent experience for me.
Of
course, in this setting it’s not about me at all.
Following
the meeting I asked the guys to provide feedback to my instructors. They did.
It was honest. It was constructive. I was also not surprised that some of these
gents were not shy when it came to telling me personally how I did.
To
be honest, it wasn’t all great- but nor did I expect it to be. It was my first
time facilitating a group such as this. Although, they did give mostly favorable
feedback. My field instructor echoed their statements telling me that I had
indeed done a great job.
It
was a rewarding feeling. To celebrate the first thing I did was to come home and continue
to study up so I could do better next time.
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