Well, and this maybe the hardest thing I ever
write. I pen this on 4/9/16; a more than four years after this relationship
came to an end. I avoid writing about it like its contagious. I fear it, but it
is so much a part of me that I cannot go a week without you in my dreams, or
nightmares.
First
and quite obviously, I’m sorry. Things got severely out of hand. Because of me,
because of us both.
I’m
sorry that I never listened to your premonitions, we were never meant to be,
never meant to love each other. You were right from the jump, and I never
listened. We were too different, or too similar, all depending on who you
asked.
I
was in many ways weak, when you needed me to be strong.
My
heart wasn’t on my sleeve- it was a full on jump suit, with a heart etched on
the chest.
You
stabbed through it. Granted, part of that was me, I was there before you;
vulnerable, ripe- how could you ignore me?
Do
you recall the time at your parents when your sister called out how my eyes
never moved from you? She said, "but XXXXXX,All I know is he must really love
you. His eyes never leave you…”
It’d
be magic to have held onto that forever, and maybe unfair to everyone else.
I
was awful, you were too- the antitheses of what it means to love, but of course
that doesn’t necessarily mean you know how to communicate the love you feel at
that age. I’d like to think that was both of our problems, but sadly maybe that’s
just me.
I
don’t know what else to say at this point, except I did love you, most
intensely, in a way that is and was hard for words to describe.
Yes,
I realize at this point, you’re rolling your eyes and wondering how exactly
this will end. Truth is; I have no earthly idea. The truth is, I often think
about us running across one another somewhere. My heart and mind fear it, my soul
needs it; because I just want to say; I’m sorry, and I hope beyond hope that you’re
happy, and leading a good life.
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