Crossroads

I have come to a crossroads in life, and I have never been so scared in all my days.

Despite being threatened by those bigger, having a gun waved in my face, being run over and a myriad of other horrible things…its today that I am afraid. You see, I have someone that truly loves and believes in me. If that doesn’t scare the living hell out of you, I don’t know what will.

This isn’t the kind of half baked “you can do it” that you get from typical people, no my girl actually thinks I can accomplish something.  This something being finishing my degree. I don’t out and out think she’s wrong but I am wary. In recent years my self-confidence has been ebbed away by a thankless job that I have come to hate, where mistakes loom around every corner, and blame gets heaped around in extra servings, sometimes rightfully so, sometimes not.  But I have written about that at length elsewhere and will give it no more space here.

After reading this brief intro you may be wondering what am I so afraid of?

Well, a few things; failing being one of them. See I’ve tried this whole school thing before. I was good at it (3.91 GPA), but lacked the focus to see it all the way through (non-traditional student i.e. “old”, sophomore). Further, you see I have a love/hate relationship with higher learning. I feel it’s overpriced, and overrated, yet I know it’s a means to an end.

Next on my list is math. Yes, I know it seems silly, but numbers give me the creeps like spiders do for most other people. And I have a fair amount of it to wade through before I get to anything that interests me.

I’m a bit of a rebel. Let me explain how this relates; I am stubborn and set in my ways. I don’t like anyone or anything dictating what I do with my time, or when I do it. The structured environment of academia is the antithesis of my “do what I want, when I want” attitude.

The threat of change looms over me too. Yes, even though I despise my current job, and it pains me to say this: but I am frightened to leave it behind, not because it’s for me, but because of its stability.

Last, and most important, I don’t want to let her down. You know, the one that believes in me, so strongly. Because quite frankly, I would never have the courage to do this without her.

Now comes the time when I have to cast aside these doubts and actually put nose to grindstone.  Which thankfully that’s one thing I have always been good at.

And what should happen if I do in fact fail?

Well, I will be sure to beat myself up, and mope and whine, and piss and moan. Then I’ll do what I’ve always done; pick myself up and dust myself off, and try something else. Ultimately though, I will seek out the arms of the one that believes in me.  I will find comfort there, and she will tell me she loves me and it will be okay. I’ll probably even let myself believe her.