Because of You

“I'm so sick and tired of being admired.
That I wish that I would just die or get fired.”

– Eminem, ‘The Way I Am’

 

So the plan was to come at this blank page and let loose with all the rage and frustration that has been building inside of me for months. But the truth is I’m too tired, my heart too cold. Anger implies that one cares, and I no longer do.

                I have been pushed to my limits, stretched to capacity; my cup runneth over with worry.

                What I think of most is how it used to be. Not so long ago there was confidence, poise, caring.  These are the things I miss the most. Now there only exists shallowness, regret and fear.

Because of you.

                When I stop to consider why I’ve stayed I am only reminded of how one day I sold out. And I’ve been reupping ever since, traded away my soul in the process. Despite being warned by others that this is where it would one day lead.

                I have given in, given up, tried to walk away and quit, only to be coaxed back with false promises and guilt.

                I suppose what bothers me the most is the fact that I’ve let you change me, break me down, and make me stray from who I am.  Thinking about how much of my life I’ve given over to you turns my stomach. Thinking of what I’ve missed, who I could be with the time I’ve devoted to you eats away at my soul.

Because of you.

At the end of the day, a part of my still says it’s my fault. This is true. Its due to the fact that I held on too long, was too afraid to let go. Scared of the unknown, the un-navigated, the unseen.

Foolish, I still cling bitterly to what once was. They say be a man, handle it. I say I’ve persisted, failed, reexamined and failed again, I can’t and these aren’t my problems to handle. I wouldn’t know how to solve for them if they were.

I look at the future now, knowing with certainty that the only things I want are “away” and “out”. Only the path of action will change this. See I have learned that I am content, comfortable, appeased. However, I also know I am resilient, resistant, and capable. I have withstood your weight, I’m flame retardant, bullet proof and I get back up after being knocked down.

Because of you.