13334

I wanted, no suddenly needed, to buy a gun.

My dog Gretchen needed to be with me while I did this. In the rain we drove. The trip was a silent one, no radio, no conversation. The pooch had never made it a habit to banter with me, but for some off-putting reason I had expected it this day, and was disappointed when it wasn’t delivered.  

Although I had never been to this, or any gun store in the state, I knew exactly how to find this retailer without assistance or question.

From the outside it looked oddly like a Wal*Mart Neighborhood grocery store. A few people, mostly women with brown trench coats whose faces were completely covered moved towards the entrance door. They had those old style plastic tufts covering their hair; the kind women wore in bad weather, though not since the 80’s. The women fought too hard against the light drizzle, their large coats pulled tight, heads held low.

They walked slowly, and even having to control my dog with only her collar I easily passed them. Briefly, I stared, wondering if they were in fact moving at all. The thought seemed to still them even further, freezing them in place.

I entered the store. It was a vast space with nearly nothing in it. Two boys, around the age of ten or so had entered just before me. They scanned the room as though there was a great deal to take in, there absolutely was not. Beige carpet with thick dark water stains was walled by peeling white. Only three glass cases displayed any merchandise. One of which was closest to me and my dog, it appeared to hold an array of knives. Two more were set back in the far recesses of the large room. A huge sign in red lettering was on display above them: 18 ONLY NO MINORS, ID REQUIRED. I assumed these two cases were reserved for firearms.

I was suddenly uncomfortable with my surroundings. Could I really be here to purchase a gun?

The boys ahead of me giggled and headed towards the case with the knives. They looked underprivileged, wearing hand-me-down or thrift store clothing, and a certain general unkemptness was their aura. I was not at all concerned that children their age shouldn’t be in a store of this type unaccompanied. More worrisome to me was that they wouldn’t be able to purchase any of the merchant’s wares due to them being out of their price range.

Sure enough by the time my faithful dog and I had neared the knife case, the boys already were turning to me with disappointed looks. Walking past them, I went to see what I might be able to afford in the case. Within were several handcrafted blades; tactical, survival, display-worthy. Also one that looked particularly familiar.

From the rear portion of the store I heard the man behind the gun case, “The pansies always go to the knives first.”

I stared back at him, and noticed that the sign above the counter now read: UNLEASHED DOGS WILL BE SHOT ON SIGHT.

The clerk at the counter kept talking. “See if you had a gun you’d be able to stop me from shooting your animal…well I’d at least give it a second thought.”

The poor boys had doubled back, having observed my dog they both halted. One of them, a bucktoothed lad with dry, cracked lips hooted, “Ha ha! He brought his dog in without a leash!” The second boy howled, and slapped his knee as if he were not a boy at all, but an old time prospector that had just heard a dirty joke over a campfire.

I was afraid, but I spoke up anyway, “How’d you get my knife? I want it back!”

The man behind the counter laughed, his face was non-descript, to the point I began to wonder if he even had a face at all. Just a mouth cutting me down with comments that had no relevance but were making me feel small and insignificant. “That’ll be $13,334.”

I started to protest but was cut off. “Now you better get outta here ‘fore you and yer pup get hurt.”

“C’mon Gretchen…” I was concerned for her safety; after all he had a sign. This exchange, although riddled with implausibility seemed justifiable. Instead of leading her out by the collar, I let her walk besides me. We exited, a swarm of ladies in trench coats passing us at the door.

Outside, the rain had let up. The sun still had not come out. Drizzle and humidity had won the day.

At my car, I let Gretchen in the backseat and made my way to the driver’s side. What I saw made me leap into the air with fear.

Next to the car was a gigantic yellow skinned serpent, this one had two tails. It didn’t seem concerned with me, rather it opted to slither past me with a nonchalant hiss. It was headed for the store.

Shrugging, I got into my car, strapped on the seatbelt.  Placing my hands on the wheel I noticed it had a cover, I don’t own a steering wheel cover. I smiled at Gretchen by way of the rear view mirror. “Ahh it’s a dream!”

My dog rolled her eyes, “Of course it is.” she replied back.