My Life is an Open (Face) book

While human ingenuity has given us some amazing advances like penicillin, electricity, and computers, Mark Zuckerburg has trumped them all by blessing us with the end-all-be-all of social progressive tools.

Today, I can easily glance at Facebook on my phone and find out what every single person that is a part of my fractured little world is doing at this very moment. Whether that’s campaigning for government reform, promoting a bake sale, or LOL’ing at video of a cat getting caught in a set of blinds.

But wait there’s more! I can also see the birthdates of people I barely know, look at endless pictures of their ugly children, and see near real time examples of how great (or tragic) their relationship is with their respective spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend.

Though perhaps the best part about all these features is the fact that I am able to mold and form my life into something that is shared with a group of (in some cases) near strangers for their own amusement and my bragging rights.

Facebook sums up my life best by the following:

 

So according to Facebook, I have accomplished nothing of significance from birth until I began my Facebook page. And not only that, have not accomplished anything of significance since! Thanks Facebook for putting it in perspective…

…I was apt to agree with Facebook’s assessment of my entire freakin’ life, until I did some research.  Since starting this online monument to myself, I have done the following:

1)      Added videos to 27 of my absolute favorite country songs (which none of my friends “liked”)

2)      Posted around 1,563 status updates referencing beer and/or alcohol (which mostly everyone “liked”)

3)      Shared approximately 123 pictures of my dog

4)      Talked about the Walking Dead 14 times

5)      Taken pictures of myself and my meals (34 times each)

6)      Deactivated my Facebook profile on 2 separate occasions (due to losing faith in the entire human race)

7)      Deleted 47 different people from my “Friends” (Author’s Note: Quotes are heavily emphasized)

Ok Facebook, I get it, I’m wasting my life- but you don’t have to rub it in. But hey guess what? I have done some pretty substantial stuff in my opinion as well:

1)      Began 3 relationships

2)      Ended 2 relationships

3)      Added a fair amount of important people as Friends 

4)      Been tagged in over 300 memorable get-togethers with family and/or close friends

5)      Captured 46 special events or vacations through uploaded photos

6)      Checked in (or been checked in at) nearly 80 different places of interest,  or tourist attractions from coast to coast

I’m giving you the best years of my life Facebook but that’s not good enough for you is it? What, you think I need more friends, more uploads, more #hashtags?

Oh, what’s that? You’d like to conduct cloak and dagger sociological experiments with my news feed to manipulate my mood? Constantly update the settings for privacy, sharing photos and other aspects of the site for the purposes of marketing? You need access to all the sites I visit online and on my phone, and my search and purchasing history? And force me to download a separate app in order to view my Facebook messages on my phone, which I could easily get from the message feature that’s already part of the actual Facebook app in the first place?

Why? All in the name of “staying connected” with a few choice people that I’m going to see regularly or who have other more tangible methods with which to get a hold of me anyway?

Look me in the face when I’m talking to you Facebook…I don’t think this is working out. It’s not you, it’s me, and frankly my dear I need some time apart to rediscover myself.  So I tell you what, you hang on to the Candy Crush saga, she always liked you better anyway. I’ll keep my photos and memories of the times I’ve shared with those I care about, and we can each have a little breathing room. And no, before you ask it’s not about seeing other social media. The rumors about me and that blue bird are grossly exaggerated; I’m far too long winded for 140 characters.

So there, it’s out in the open; I said it. Huh, what do you mean you have 1.1 billion users and you don’t need me anyway? My God, I knew it, you are such a whore.