Race Against Yourself

Make Believe Press - TUCSON, AZ

By: I.M. Afigment

          Everyone loves a comeback. We clamor to see the underdog battle back, narrowly avoiding defeat at the hands of a seemingly unbeatable foe. From television to movies, children’s books to adult novels, the examples are countlessly portrayed regardless of age or medium.

Reality would tell us however, that age and time catch up to everyone. So when I got the chance to interview David Schroyer about his upcoming half marathon against David Schroyer, I too couldn’t resist seeing just how the wily veteran was preparing for a comeback against what many say is a game foe that he just won’t be able to best.

(IMA): “David, just what made you want to come out of retirement? Is this a personal vendetta against David?”

(DS): “Well first off Mr. Reporter man, you better stick to calling me ‘Doc’ otherwise this interview is going to get awful confusing- seeing as I’m talking to an imaginary interviewer while imagining racing against my imaginary self. Second, whoever said I was retired? I might have stepped away from regular competition, but I’ve never hung up the anti-chafe lotion.

(IMA): “You have many detractors that disagree. The consensus has it that David has not only the leg up in regards to age in this contest, but also a significant speed advantage. What do you say to that?”

(DS): “I say right now that’s true. We are both still early in training for this contest. And I think by the time March 15^th rolls around, I’ll be the better man.”

(IMA): “Doc, what do you have coming into this race that David doesn’t?”

(DS): “It’s pretty obvious David has the stamina, and a definitive age advantage. But I’ve been in his shoes. I run smarter than he does, eat better than he does. When it comes down to it, he may be faster but when it comes to intellect, I’m light years ahead of him. I’ll be running the smarter race come March.”

(IMA): “Most would say David would take that as a challenge, personally directed at him. To circle back you also avoided my earlier question about this being a vendetta-based endeavor, explain yourself Doc?”

(DS): “No, it’s not personal; I have nothing against the 2008 version of myself, other than him having the capacity for being an over-the-top asshole. I can hear his arrogant ranting all the way from 2008. If there was a vendetta (and I’m not saying that there is), he started it. After all, he called me out first. But I also know I can beat him.”

(IMA): “Doc, you referenced your renewed focus on training this time out of the gate; have there been any signs of rust (from either age or injury) at this stage of your preparation?”

(DS): “Not at all. I’m coming off some issues with my heel due to overtraining last summer. But right now, everything’s great. Besides, I’d rather not focus on that, I can already say that despite his overt personality flaws, David doesn’t want a victory like that and neither do I.”

(IMA): “Speaking of, if David were here, what comments do you think he would have for you?”

(DS) [scoffs]: “He’d probably say something to the effect of ‘I’ll make this race my bitch’ – most likely because he’s just finished watching Talladega Nights for the 14^th time.”

(IMA): “Doc, I know you no longer participate in trash talk, however if he were here, would you give the fans a little preview of what you might say in return?”

(*Editor’s Note*): The staff at No Sports Authority News Rag attempted to reach David Schroyer in 2008, but as of this printing he and his camp have not returned our calls.

(DS) [clearly upset]: “Listen pal, I can trade barbs with the best of ‘em. I never retired from that either, so watch your mouth. Beyond that, I won’t brag about how I’m going to embarrass David on race day. I just plan to let my performance speak for itself.”

(IMA): “Would you care to comment on your 2012 pre-race doping scandal?”

(DS): “I still maintain that I dropped out of that race due to personal reasons. In addition, the follow up tests that I had conducted at an independent laboratory stated that the levels of Jack Daniel’s found in my system were well below regulatory standards.”

(IMA): “Clearly you are dialed in and focused for the contest. Other than David, what other rivals do you think you might encounter out on the field come race day?”

(DS): “I have no other rivals. There might be 1,000 people running that race, and a hundred people in my age group. But come race day, all I’m going to see is that smarmy 28 year old at the starting line next to me. And I’ll continue to see him until I blow past him for the win.”