“So Captain Accelo it’s been a year and I thank you for your service to our company.”
A man in a red full length bodysuit featuring crisscrossing white electrical bolts across its front sits casually in front of a giant desk. The get up looks to be made of a tight fitting Lycra. “Thanks it's been--”
The Director holds up a hand, stopping Captain Accelo’s response. He then turns his chair away from his desk, and looks out of the large picture window behind him. He wears a pair of reflective chrome sunglasses, the type that a state trooper might wear. The Director does not remove them to further enjoy the view.
From the window, a huge city scape can be seen; towering skyscrapers, a bay filled with watercraft, and a huge grassy area that appears to be a city park.
Captain Accelo sits, quietly confused for several moments. Finally, he speaks; “I’m sorry what are we doing here?”
“Ha, why I’m practicing ‘authoritative superiority’ of course! It's from my book; The Director: Managing People with Personalities that are Just the Worst.” Without facing forward, The Director stands, adjusts what appears to the Captain to be a rather expensive suit, and walks away from his desk. In a hush, “Ah yes, nearly forgot, I need to establish dominance by standing as my inferior remains seated. Finally The Director turns back to Captain Accelo, “Please have a seat…” a hand extends to the Captain.
“I’m already sitting…?” Captain Accelo reminds The Director.
The Director doesn’t acknowledge the comment, instead he begins a diatribe, “We here at Department of International Professional Society of Heroes, a registered trademark of Maximum Corporation, a subsidiary of Maximum Media, believe that at the one year anniversary of a team member, we should conduct an assessment of the member’s behavior and work performance that will determine both an overall rating and any increase levels of compensation for the coming year.” As he speaks, The Director continues to wander around the room.
Captain Accelo leans forward, “Are you saying it’s my annual review?”
“Yes, yes but so much more,” The Director has an odd air about him, he seems excited, and perhaps proud, but his stance, diction and rhetoric make one wonder if he’s not just playing some off-putting gag.
“What else does it entail then?”
“Glad you asked!” The Director rushes back to his desk, and sits, “You aren’t just getting evaluated, you get the opportunity to rate yourself!”
“Ok.” followed by an eye roll.
“Go ahead, give it a try,” The Director seems overly enthusiastic.
A bit uneasy, Captain Acccelo takes a few seconds to look for the right words, “Umm...well I was instrumental in all of the team missions this year, I’ve saved 223 civilians to date since being with the company, and I bake a cake for everyone in the office on their birthday. Well, except for Castigator, he’s diabetic and all.”
“That really is great, really.” The Director takes a deep breath. So on a scale from one to ten, ten being the best team member you could be, where would you place yourself?”
“Hmm, that’s a tough one, we have so much talent on the team…”
Accelo is thinking it over, as The Director speaks with ignorant disregard, “So much talent, yes so many other talented team members, you should keep that in mind as you answer.”
“I’d say umm, I dunno, 8 i guess?”
The Director lets out a powerful belly laugh, following by a machine gun of smaller, stunted laughter. He slams a fist down on his desk, and tries to catch his breath. “You an 8! Are you for real right now?”
Red faced now to match his outfit, Captain Accelo reconsiders, “7?”
More laughter from The Director.
“Geesh, umm, 6?”
Pausing for breaths between chuckles The Director gets out the following, “You...think...you’re...a 6?”
“Sweet Jesus,” Captain Accelo throws his hands up in disbelief.
“You can’t even fly!”
“I’m super fast! ‘Accelo’ you know as in ‘accelerate’!”
“We have to chauffeur you around in the DIPSH Jet! Do you know how much fuel costs for that thing? Not to mention it’s adverse effects on the environment.”
Accelo is clearly beside himself, “‘Chauffeur me around’! What the hell!”
Still recovering from his laughing fit, The Director adds, “Besides, do you know what kind of pay grade you’d be in if you could learn to fly?”
“But I can’t fly. I’m the speedster of the group.”
“You’d wanna learn to fly, if i could tell you,” tauts The Director.
Accelo seems a bit desperate, “But that’s not my power! Remember the whole struck by lightning during the lunar eclipse when I was doing routine janitorial work on the military base after they tested that nuclear bomb?”
“That doesn’t ring a bell. Anyway, I’ll tell you what your pay would be if you could just learn to fly…Do you wanna know?”
“I can’t ‘learn to fly’” whines Accelo.
“675,000 dollars more a year!”
Accelo perks up, “Wow, really that much?”
“Ya but you can’t fly…” reminds The Director.
“Maybe I could get lessons from Extraordinary Storckman?”
“Maybe...but without the whole flying thing…”
“I’m a five?”
“Solid five, with the potential to be a seven-maybe even an eight!” The Director adds.
Somewhat disappointed, Accelo asks, “And what about a merit raise?”
The Director simply folds his hands into the shape of a bird, and makes a flapping motion.
Captain Accelo stands, head drawn down to his chin and slinks out of the office.
The Director stretches out in his chair. He giggles absently while shaking his head, “Seriously, the guy thought he was an 8…”
