90 Days (AKA Marital Bliss)

When I think about how happy I am, I think of you.

When I think of you, I think of how different we are.

When I think about our differences, I think about your strength.

When I think about strength, I think about our love.

            Based on my past (or even my present) I cannot type this and proclaim to now be some expert on marriage. That assertion would be laughable. However, what I have learned is what works.

            There’s a lot that’s obvious to me after 3 months of marriage to you. Foremost among them, and as evidenced by the above half-assed haiku, I am no poet. The main thing though is that one key reason for a marriage to fail can be traced back to not knowing what you have until it’s gone.

            Even before our wedding I knew what I had in you. Someone that would support without nagging. Someone that would care without being critical. Someone who would love without judgment.

            I am free to be myself, even as that person subtly changes over time. That is something that I have never experienced with anyone else. The only expectations are: That I love you in return and make you happy. God help me if I ever falter on either of those two points.

            People always ask me, “David how will I know when it’s the right time to get married?”

            Nope wait, hold on - this has actually never happened. Alternatively, I insert myself in to their conversations about marriage straight away and tell them they are asking themselves the wrong question, and instead should be asking; “Have I found the right person to get married to?”

            People sometimes say, “Relationships are hard, relationships are work.” These people are wrong. If you are with the right person, relationships are easy. Getting along, living and loving together is effortless. You’ve reminded me what love is, and that marriage exists as an expression of and dedication to that rare kind of love.

            If I could ask anything of you after 3 months it would be simply; keep setting the tone, and I will keep doing my best to respond in kind. But as a reminder I am a slow learner when it comes to these matters, so please be patient.

Always know that I love you.

When it Matters Most

You don’t get to pick your finest hour. However, you do get to chose how you live in moment-to-moment.

            I don’t know who said that, oh wait yes I do it was me! Just now when I wrote that line that said; “You don’t get to pick your finest hour. However, you do get to chose how you live moment-to- moment.” Quote, credit due to me! Ha!

            Anyway, so the social worker in me would love to sit and tell you how you are better served to surround yourself with people that are conducive to your goals and can help you facilitate the positive change in your life that you want to see. In tandem with this effort you are tasked to drop those from your life that seek to deter, distract or are generally unhelpful in your goals.

            But of course, much like the phrase uttered in the Count of Monte Cristo (film) “It’s complicated.” Because what if those that do not hold your best interests at heart are close to you? A wise person (pretty wise at least) once told me “We could play the ‘what if’ game all day.” Meaning, if you are holding on to someone based on the 0.0007% chance they will do the right thing in regards to your welfare, well sir or madam you are sorely mistaken. Statistically you are a fool. Therefore, in real life you are going to be proven a fool.

            Saying you have to get rid of a family member, close friend or confidant can be an anxiety-inducing decision. All that being said, at the end of the day no one is going to watch out for you like you watch out for you.

            “But, but DavidIWriteStuff? Surely, this topic didn’t come to pass by accident?”  - a fan asks (I mean assuming my ‘fans” both exist and can form a decent question).

            No, no it did not. However, my goal is not to call out anyone, but to merely help others who’s bullshit meter may not be as highly refined as mine.

            Of course because I believe in the value of helping people I’ve included this handy chart outlining ways you can sniff out bullshit.

            

            And as far as all the bullshitters out there: If you truly care about someone, you not only care about being there, you make an active effort to care about what is important to them.  If someone can’t do that for you, they simply don’t care.

The Less Ordinary Life of Harold: Super-Zero

An oblivious young man with his nose glued to a cell phone absently strolls through the park. Passerbys are forced to navigate out of his way. Joggers, senior citizens on walks, and mothers with strollers all side step him at the last minute, clinging to the belief that he couldn’t really be that enthralled by whatever’s on the screen.

This is Harold. Harold, by most accounts has had a shit day.

Sitting down, not because it's the courteous thing to do, but because he wants to, the preteen plops onto a nearby bench. Harold is husky and he seems all-too conscious of this, so as he gets seated comfortably he tugs down his shirt, to make sure no one can see anything they shouldn’t through the green slats that serve as the bench’s backrest.

A few minutes pass and another child sidles up, sitting beside him.
For more than a while, no words are exchanged between the two.

Eventually, the new boy, thin but equally meek-looking breaks the silence, “Sorry-”

“Let me save my game!” Harold holds up a finger. “I am playing versus on Battleblood, and am ranked in the top five for this skirmish.”

The thin child adjusts his glasses higher on the bridge of his nose, realizing even he had little idea what most of that meant.

A few presses and swipes, “Ok, what?” Harold still doesn’t look up from his phone, not entirely, it makes the fat underneath his neck stand out even more.

“I’m sorry for what happened today.”

“Ya, you been hangin’ out with those kids?”

The thin boy nodded, blushing almost imperceptibly.

“They suck Tyler. And...and they are stupid.”

Acknowledging the statement, the Tyler nodded again. He not only agreed, but there was no hesitation in him doing so.

“Asshats,” Harold, “that’s what they are.”

Tyler, confused, “What does that even mean anyway?”

“I dunno,” Harold admits, “I picked it up somewhere, but its bad, real bad.”

“Hey, they aren’t that bad. I, we could always use more friends right?”

“Not those guys.” Harold seemed resolute.

“Maybe I could talk to ‘em, put in a good word for ya?”

Harold looked up from his phone completely.

Tyler leaned in closer, “Tell ‘em your a cool guy, tell ‘em how you have all the newest video games.”

Harold’s brief interest already faded, changed to a spark of anger. “You mean bribe them to not pick on me? Thanks Tyler, but no thanks.”

“C’mon, Harold, I still want to be friends with you...and them.”

“I don’t think it works that way.”

Tyler looked at Harold, in a way that many adults would think a child was not capable of doing. He saw a fat kid, with a red ball-cap, but redder cheeks, dressed in clothes assembled from discount retail stores. He contrasted this against the group of guys he and Harold were conversing about. “Ya, I guess you’re right. Fuck.”

Harold had never heard a kid his age say the “F” word. He had never heard Tyler swear at all. Both boys shook their heads.

“What do we do?” Tyler asked.

“Doesn’t matter- whatever you want.” Harold said, “I got things to take care of anyway.”

“Like what?” the surprise in Tyler’s question was heavy.

“Hero stuff.”

“Psshh, what are you talkin’ about?”

“I’m a superhero. I didn’t want to tell you, because I thought it might be the only reason you were my friend.”

Tyler paused for a moment, trying to gauge if Harold was trying on being crazy, or trying on being funny. When he couldn’t decide, Tyler broke out in heavy laughter. “More like Super-zero!”

Harold took the laughter and the insult from a kid who he had thought of as his best friend for 3 summers and four grades. He took it like Superman takes bullets.

Tyler looked at Harold and couldn’t believe his eyes. Suddenly, before him, the chubby kid that lived 5 houses down the street was gone.

There in front of him was an image; misty, blurry in the way that the blacktop gets from a distance on a summer day. Harold was now a wavering image of strength. His head held back high, his clothes became the bold uniform of a dealer of justice. His red hat was now a crimson mask. His untucked shirttail transformed into a cape. The discount athletic shoes had become leather boots, complemented with tiny H’s embroidered on their sides Harold’s eyes had changed the most, they seemed to dig into him, they were piercing, full of confidence and know-how.

Tyler could’ve sworn he saw a telling I-told-you-so kind of wink, but he wasn’t sure of that at all. In fact, he was no longer sure of anything.

Then right there before Tyler’s eyes, Harold took off with a bang into the air, it was like lightning combined with thunder. In an instant he was gone.

Off to do hero stuff.

Rules of Disengagement

 It was asked of me recently by several people, “David you’re an expert on relationships; how do you find closure when a relationship reaches its end?”

                Ok well that’s not exactly true. It was more like; “David you’ve screwed up a lot of relationships, how do you find closure?” Oh, and it was just one person that asked me.

                Alright-alright, it was one person that asked a totally different person, but I wanted to write about it so here we are!

                At any rate, I’ve given this a lot of thought and I’ve come up with a few things that might help those coming out of a long-term significant romantic relationship. Oh, and I might mention that this list is not for those that were “in the right” up to the terminus of the association. Quite to the contrary, I believe about writing what I know, and therefore this list is for the ones that, as some country songs like to say, “done wrong”, and not those that “got done wrong”. Besides you Goody two-shoes have your moral high ground to revel in, and aren’t in need of any guidance.

                The below worked for me, maybe grudgingly, (and not perfectly every step of the way) but because of these steps, or loose rules I’ve personally made some progress over the years.* Ɨ

                Enjoy!

1)      Try to pinpoint the “why”

The first and maybe most important thing I could offer is sit down and think why is it you still can’t let go of this person? Often times it’s because people have a tendency to create a mental highlight reel of a relationship when it wasn’t really all handstands on the beach, intense orgasms in Mexican restaurants and chimichangas in bed (I may have mixed some of these up, but then again maybe not). We do this because the mind “wants” that person back. However, when you get down to the brass tacks of it, you may find that you don’t want that person at all. You want the feeling you had when you were with them (love, security, confidence, hope). Or worse yet, you want them back because you don’t want to go down in the history books as the bad guy, or bad girl. Deep down you may think getting a second chance would solve everything. Trust me, it won’t they are your ex for a distinct reason, or perhaps several.

2)      Forgiveness isn’t promised

Don’t be surprised if your ex holds a grudge. If you wronged that person, or even if there is a perception of wrongdoing, they may not be so quick to tell you those words you may desperately want to hear. Guess what though; the trick is accepting that the most important forgiveness you can receive is your own. You need permission from yourself to say, “I made a mistake, I was wrong, it happens, but it’s not the end of the world.” I know that sounds trite, but that doesn’t make it any less helpful.  Further, as time passes don’t expect your ex to acknowledge your individual progress, and don’t engage in self-improvement to secretly win back their affection, or subversively rub it in their face. Chances are they don’t care, and it’s not about them, it about bettering yourself. You need not involve the other party in your closure. Own it.

3)      You can’t change the past

Whether you have begged forgiveness and fallen on the proverbial sword, or you cannot fathom what you did to give offense to your ex partner, it is what it is. You can’t change what has already taken place. Let the past stay buried.

4)      Learn a Lesson

After all this introspection hopefully you have some lesson, no matter how large or small to take away from the relationship. Maybe you were too good in bed; too devoted, overly beautiful (these are probably not true by the way). Whatever, the reason, that’s your takeaway. Now you can go and work on it, correct it, so you don’t make the same mistake in your next relationship. And yes, though it may be hard to believe now, there will be a next relationship.  

5)      Come to Terms

There are people in this world that aren’t meant to be together. There are people that fall out of love. Every. Damn. Day. The best thing you can do for yourself after healing is to take a step closer to finding the person who is destined for you, rather than pining over the one that’s not.

*Note: David IWriteStuff is NOT a licensed therapist, certified on any medical board and has trouble doing rudimentary math equations. You follow and/or apply the above list at your own risk.

Ɨ Side effects may include, but are not limited to the following:

o   being happy

o   being unhappy

o   breast tenderness or enlargement or unusual secretion of milk (in females)

o   cold sweats

o   convulsions

o   diarrhea

o   difficulty concentrating (also a side effect of reading blogs)

o   drowsiness

o   drunkenness (also a side effect of writing blogs)

o   growth of a third eye

o   increased hunger

o   increased thirst

o   making bulleted lists

o   overactive reflexes

o   painful urination

o   penis enlargement (in males)

o   pleasurable urination

o   pointing out the flaws in others

o   polka dots on the skin

o   polka dancing

o   vertigo

o   spontaneous combustion

o   sweating in places without sweat glands

o   talking or acting with excitement you cannot control