Cover Up

“Pain or damage don't end the world. Or despair or fucking beatings. The world ends when you're dead. Until then, you got more punishment in store. Stand it like a man... and give some back.”

            For years I’ve walked the earth with (essentially) those words scribbled on my arm. When I first heard the line I was mesmerized by it, the way it was written (presumably by David Milch), and the way it was spoken on screen by Ian McShane lit some type of fire in me. It was relatable, tough, steeped in self-reliance and organic.

             

            I tried to defend the existence of these words on my body via the thoughts in my head. I oft repeated to myself that believing in this ostentatious line from a short-lived (yet brilliant) TV Western was justified.

Not THAT Justified

                                                           

            I would tell myself that if approached from the perspective of doling out pain to those that have hurt others, it was somehow okay. I don’t think I believe that, maybe I never did. It’s also interesting that I have tried searching for a photo of this tattoo and I have come up empty. Could it be that even when I got it I immediately knew it wasn’t me?

            At any rate, in the ensuing times I feel I have realized that there is enough  pain in the world, and adding to that (even concerning those that “deserved” it) wasn’t necessarily the only available, or even best option.

            As of yesterday I began the process to erase that statement from my flesh. I suppose, overwrite is a better description. In its place will be an ominous black and grey clock tower representing that everyone’s own personal Doomsday clock is ticking away, a reminder to carpe those diems, or YOLO or whatever the hell people say now. A not-so subtle cue to try as much as we can to stop those clock arms in their tracks, or reverse them if we can - or maybe it’s just a new fuckin’ tattoo.

I'm (Pro)Found

Hot damn have these last few years been infused with self-discovery and self-exploration.

I’d have put an explanation point after that statement, but to be honest, it wasn’t exciting- it was frightening. Was it worthwhile? Yes. Was it hard? Hell yes. Was it uncomfortable? Absolutely. Would I trade it for anything? Fuck no.

I learned I am in no position to gauge the worthiness of another man (or woman, or anyone else for that matter). You might read that statement and think “Well, ya YOU had to learn that but ME, nah I already know that.” Ya, sure YOU do pal. Good luck to you, see ya in the funny papers.

I learned that I have capacity to change for the better and I have the right to seek self-improvement. During that time I also learned those around me can do the same, no matter where they started from. It was a hard pill to swallow that someone else’s opinion could have relevance other than mine.

I learned that the truly intelligent never stop learning…from anyone, anywhere, at anytime.

I learned that no person is defined by one act within their lives, nor several. We are defined by what we do to make this world better than we found it.

I learned that I am not perfect, and really no one is…though I had that one put together a while back.

I learned that I am not the smartest person in the room… Well, to be honest, I’m still working on that one, and also changing the actual rooms I hang out in helps quite a bit.

When I started this journey, I thought that human existence was a highly overrated phenomenon. Now I have come to learn that empathy is what is really a truly UNDERrated phenomenon.

This is to everyone that I have crossed paths with in the last two and a half years that has made me pause and ask myself, “Could I do better?”

I am here to tell you: You can make it, you can do better, and to hell with all the people that think otherwise.