We waited there together, only I knowing her fate, her
looking at me with trust and devotion. They came to take her away, an
examination they said. She didn’t want to go, and she clung to me, climbed in my
lap. No easy feat for a 50 pound dog.
“No, go
with him Bella, its gonna be okay.” I almost lost it right there. In social
work they tell us never to say that to anyone. Don’t make statements you can’t guarantee,
and all that. I wondered if that applied to dogs.
Then I was
alone. Thinking maybe they wouldn’t take her and we’d get to go home together
anyway, for at least one more day. Internally: Maybe there was a chance I didn’t have to betray her after all. I
secretly hoped that would be the case. Despite her bull-in-china-shop
demeanor, despite the hours of potty training, despite every shouted “No!” I grew
to love that dog. Because it wasn’t all bad, not even close, mostly just
annoying at times. Moreover, her goofball personality and mischievous nature
reminded me a lot of…well me.
“David?”
I
looked at the clock, time had gotten away from me. I had been in the waiting
room at the shelter nearly 25 minutes.
The
voice tried again, “David, we’ll take her. She did great,” said the shelter
manager.
Oh shoot, almost lost it again. I
nodded, afraid to speak.
“All we
need is the surrender fee, unless you have any questions?”
Again,
no words. I shook my head and stood.
Oh hell. I realized I had to say
goodbye. I knelt, repeating in my head; Don’t
you do it, don’t you do it. I scratched behind her ears and patted her face. Ok still didn’t lose it. Keep it together. The shelter manager thought I was done, but no. I held her head and looked her
in the eyes. Oh hell why’d you do that? I stroked her muzzle one more time. If she
would’ve understood, I would’ve said, “Sorry, I let you down girl.” Of course,
that’s a lousy thing to say to someone knowing you’re not going to speak with
them again. And certainly, understanding English, and understanding the
sentiment behind that sentence are two different things.
I
turned away to go to the counter in my shame. A young man approached me, “Oh
man why you givin’ up your dog?”
I lost
it. The tears came and I imagine much like during a bank robbery when the
tellers signal the police, the customer service women at the counter probably
triggered the “We’ve got a crier” alarm. Hurriedly, I paid the surrender fee
and wiped my eyes and nose. As I hit the door I was already thinking about
Bella. Where is she? Is she scared? And
what got me the most is that I could guess, but I wouldn’t really know. All I could
do was hope she was okay. It didn’t feel like enough, still doesn’t.
In
reality her greatest fault was she just being herself – a goofy puppy that had
no idea how big she is, just needing attention. Hopefully, now she will find
someone that can give her the time she needs.
If you
are in the Phoenix area and know of anyone (including yourself) that is looking
for a fabulous puppy (shots up to date, crate and potty trained) then please
keep an eye on:
@HALOresQ - Facebook
But also look for this cutie once she's posted-
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